Happy Renting

"Bum titty bum titty bum-bum-bum. Got that?"

Bullshit.

Is the house itself open to the public?

I tried tossing a bin into a hedgrow, but it was too heavy.

Maybe you have a leak. Is your butt plug in firmly?

Dry periods are ended by, and therefore followed by, rain, by definition.

Save 25% by buying a battery chicken.

Oh, Nearby nearby Fenstanton.

Where is Nearby? Never heard of it.

He probably has a huge Corbyn fatprint.

I used to have an aerobatic stunt kite that I liked to fly on breezy days. But it was always getting tangled up in it's nylon cords. And the bugger would try to peck me to death when I tried to untangle it.

It would make more sense if lonely people could just pay 1p to a checkout operator to have a conversation with them. I could engage Mavis on the till with a chat about Baroque architecture for 1p. Or perhaps Brexit. Yes, I'm sure Mavis would love to talk about Brexit.

"I hear that Niki Lorder has died." "Lauda." "Sorry... I said I HEAR THAT NIKI LORDER HAS DIED."

Store all your passwords in an encrypted document. Then you only need to remember one password. And if you forget that one, you're totally ****ed.

I'd love to be a TV detective. They always drive classic cars, it is a rule in the police force. I'd be a detective on Lundy Island, and drive a 5-wheel Rice-Mogg Pentacar, and solve crimes involving stolen puffin eggs.