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One-Stop Remedy Shop For the Self-Reliant


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Covid-19: A Materia Medica for the Self-Reliant

Whether or not we are entering a time where we can no longer depend upon our medical services, the following strategies are applicable to and efficacious for everything from bronchitis to acute asthmatic response to sudden onset catastrophic pneumonic syndrome. Though the material which follows may appear daunting it's really only two recipes and two emergency remedies with some extra mental meanderings stuck on at the end.

Before the Illness, To Build up Immunity:

Fire Cider
Garlic in any way, shape or form you can neck down, liberally and with gratitude
Carrier Oils: Cold-pressed Castor oil, Virgin Coconut Oil
Volatile Oil: Oil of Oregano
Volatile Powders: Mustard, Cayenne Pepper, Ginger
Miraculous Things: 1. Garlic and 2. Unpasturised Apple Cider Vinegar with the Mother

Your Immune System
It may not act as immediately as tunnelling under the reactor at Chernobyl, but the daily, insidious ingestion of processed white sugar devastates your immune system over the long term, as well as turning your body into a petri dish for everything you never want to encourage, like parasites, fungi, cancer and diabetes.

We are at our most alkaline when we are born. Every year after puberty we become increasingly acid, not a place you want your body to be. The recipes below will encourage an alkaline environment, thus discouraging any and all invasive entities whether bacterial, fungal or viral. What's more, it will heal your entire digestive tract.

Fire Cider
1 medium onion
10 cloves garlic
2 hot chili peppers
zest and juice of one lemon
1/2 cup ginger powder
1 tblsp turmeric
1/4 tsp cayenne
2 tablespoons dried rosemary
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 cup horseradish powder (or fresh horseradish. Do not use horseradish cream in a jar. If you simply cannot fresh get horseradish, up the cayenne to a heaping teaspoon and the chilies to four rather than two.

Chop everything choppable and spoon everything spoonable into a quart (liter+) snap-lid Kilner jar, then top up with apple cider vinegar. Let sit in the dark for a month, shaking it several times a week, then strain out the big bits and discard them. Stir one-half cup of the best honey money can buy into the concentrated essence and keep it in the fridge. Then make a new batch ready for next month. Take it neat if you are the gimme the hottest vindaloo ya got type. For normal people, dilute several tablespoons of fire cider in as much water, warm or cool, as you like and drink it down every morning.

Hillbilly Pimms
One organic cucumber, peeled then washed. Discard the outside peelings, then keep going until you have a pile of paper-thin slices. Put them in a large glass pitcher and fill with clean, filtered water. Set it in the fridge to bask overnight.

Get a funnel and a quart bottle with a grolsch-style cap, or a big pickle jar with a tight lid, or whatever works. Get your funnel if you are working with a bottle and put in 1-2-3… 

1 tablespoon organic powdered ginger
2 tablespoons organic live apple cider vinegar
3 tablespoons real honey

Finish filling the bottle or jar with clean, filtered water and shake it up well to dissolve the honey then let it sit while the cucumber steeps.
In the morning get a pint glass and fill half full with cucumber water, shake up the honey ginger mix and finish filling up your glass. Refreshes, hydrates, nourishes and acts as one of the best anti-inflammatories in the world.

Garlic or 'Russian Penicillin'
Garlic is your best friend, along with turmeric, ginger (+ piperine) and cayenne. All are the most effective and bio-available internal anti-inflammatories you can take, along with Virgin Coconut Oil. Garlic above all, though. Garlic is a gift from God.

I have had a grumbling wisdom tooth for decades. It flares up every three or four years—two nights ago it came alive again. I took a garlic clove, crushed it with the flat side of a cleaver and peeled it (my dad used to say, "Look at that garlic shed its clothes like head cheerleader on prom night.") 

I popped the clove in my mouth, pushed it into place with my tongue, then paced the floor for ten minutes while it burned. I spat it out and in thirty seconds I felt no more pain. I brushed my teeth and went to bed. Woke up and all pain and swelling were gone. That is the power of garlic.

My mouth tasted like a large bird had pooped in it but it was worth it.

Oil of Oregano

Must be treated as a corrosive which could blind you. That said... it kills everything bad. Take a rag, pour a line of vodka down the centre, then sprinkle the line with ten drops of oil of oregano. Wipe down whatever you like, it will kill anything on contact and is excellent at sterilising anything you do not want to use chlorine bleach on, such as children's cots, bedding and toys, books, post and parcels, hands, feet, door handles and steering wheels. Keep away from cats, dogs and birds, fine wood furniture and delicate membranes. Use sparingly, it is that powerful.

For all other uses, dilute with Castor Oil.

Alkaline Drink:

Try mixing bicarb of soda into your ACV and water, it makes it smooth and sweet instead of aggressively VINEGAR! ARRGH! here is the recipe:

One tablespoon ACV in a pint glass, then add 1/4 teaspoon (no more than that) to the ACV and watch it fizz. Then top up with water and stir. 

The extra alkalinity of the bicarbonate of soda will do your body a favour. Here is the best bicarb in the world:


Two Remedies In Extremis

Cayenne+Water: a scant quarter teaspoon in 8oz of water. Depending upon the Scoville rating, either more or less water, as you please. I have personally witnessed two people brought back to full functionality after suffering heart attacks from the timely application of cayenne+water, sipped until the spasms eased and the ambulance arrived. Once tested, they showed minimal signs of heart muscle scarring and made a complete recovery within weeks. Taken daily, cayenne feeds the heart and scours the arteries of fatty deposits over time.

Cayenne also delivers an immediately bio-available megadose of Vitamin C, as well as the alkanoid compound capsaicin. Cayenne is also amongst the richest vegetable sources of Vitamin A and antioxidant flavonoids such as carotenes, lutein, zea xanthin and cryptoxanthin.

Cayenne is also rich in minerals: even if consumed in small quantities every day in water or fruit juice, it provides sufficient levels of iron, copper, zinc, potassium, manganese, magnesium and selenium—the manganese in particular acts as a co-factor for the antioxidant enzyme superoxide dismutase. The selenium is an antioxidant trace element required by the human body for smooth heart and liver functions and is responsible for the miraculous calming of heart muscle in spasm. It is also rich in potassium, a master soother of any muscle cramp.

A quarter teaspoon of Cayenne powder is nature's vitamin pill.

Mustard Plaster: 1 teaspoon dried mustard (Colman's is great and very patriotic) two teaspoons flour, enough water to make a paste. First, cover the chest with cold-pressed Castor Oil to prevent burning the skin, then spread the plaster paste over the patient's chest in the area of the lungs. Cover the plaster with a rubbish bag, then place either a direct heating pad or a hot water bottle on top. People who are drowning in their own fluids tend to thrash around in their panic to draw a good breath, so either tie them down or have other people attend to calm them.

I have brought four people around with this remedy, two children suffering from croup, one adult in the throes of extreme asthmatic seizure and one elder with pre-pneumonic edema. In the case of the asthmatic all catastrophic symptoms were lessened in fewer than five minutes and all signs abated within half an hour, whence they could breathe deeply and easily once more. 

Within twenty minutes, the other three brought up more lung gunk in several productive coughs than I had ever seen or suspected a human could carry. The volume was so great that it appeared more like they were vomiting. I had never seen anything like it. It was remarkable.

Afterward, when they were calm, I put them over a steaming bowl with a drop or two of oil of oregano floated on the surface of the water, cautiously inhaling with their eyes closed to knock out further infection. The next day after restful sleep I repeated the plaster application to break up and expel up any remaining mucus. There was none, the first application brought it all up in one go.

In case of fever, Aspirin is first cousin to White Willow Bark and is one of the rare cases of the compound being superior to the raw and natural bark because Aspirin is buffered to avoid stomach upset. It is indicated when the fever poses more of a danger than the illness the fever is battling. Danger signs include glassy eyes, incoherence, extreme heat coming off all parts of the body.

Full of Sound and Fury, Signifying Trillions in Profit

By the time a doctor racks up the debts incurred by four years of university and a further four to six of medical school and internship to be licensed to practise, they are invested for life in the narrative they have bought and paid for and suffered to attain accreditation in. Subsequently, they find it near-impossible to admit that The Medical Machine which now employs them may be flawed or in error or—Heaven forbid—run purely for profit. The Machine disallows doctors to speak out on an ever-lengthening list of non-corporately-endorsed matters, and Doctors comply lest they are reported and struck off and lose years of life effort. These days, it's a perilous employment.

General practitioners do not heal anything, they only prescribe palliatives from an ever-growing product list of compound medicines designed, distributed and advertised by giant pharmaceutical companies more interested in their shareholders than in you, the suffering consumer.
What surgeons do on the other hand, and do very well, is nothing short of miraculous. When it comes to digging out a bullet, stitching a knife wound, setting a broken bone and performing emergency surgery—all under the true gift of our age, general anaesthesia, modern medicine shines. I am filled with gratitude for the work they do.

Between prescribed drugs and major surgery there is tremendous scope for the self-reliant to heal themselves and prevent future illness. All it requires is the will and determination to take the parts of modern medicine that serve you and discard the rest.

The general rule is GPs do not heal you. Only you can heal you. The rest is mechanics doing what mechanics do.


People think Trump Derangement Syndrome is bad but it's not a patch on the reactions I have seen from some at the mention of


We are many bodies: the physical, the electro-magnetic, the etheric, the subtle, the mind. Drugs are a macro-intrusion on the physical body, a hammer. Accurately prescribed, Homeopathy is a precision instrument that addresses all in concert.

Since the Enlightenment, science has resolutely turned its face towards chemistry and what was to become the modern corporate laboratory, to our loss. For what it's worth, the 'elite'—including the royals of Britain—never gave up on the old ways and retain the services of teams of homeopaths. We, the plebians, are stuck pretty much with chemistry rather than alchemy, having been subjected to a lifetime of media ridicule and sneering by corporate general practitioner drones. It's up to us alone then to rediscover that Pharmaceutical drugs are about chemistry. Homeopathy is about physics.

If you keep the following two remedies Hepar Sulph and Arnica on hand, you have nearly all. Hepar Sulph is the 'antibiotic' of Homeopathy. Arnica is the number one go-to for any shock, accident or sudden onset illness. Arnica provides a rocket boost to the inherent healing capacity of the body. Hepar Sulph works on a longer, deeper timeline.

Homeopathic remedies require special storage and handling: Dark, cool and as far away from electro-magnetic fields and frequencies, and volatile oils as possible. When dispensing, do not touch the pillules, rather,  tip them in the lid of the container and then tip them into your mouth or the mouth of the patient where they can be shifted under the tongue for sublingual absorption. Then replace the lid. You may also purchase remedies in special dispensers designed to release one or two pills at a time.

I order directly from

The fourteen gram bottles of number 6 pills at 30C strength normally clocks in at one-third the cost of high street pharmacy stock and you have the peace of mind knowing they are dispensed with care and right attitude and scrupulous attention to detail.


If you watch tv, if you attended taxpayer-funded school, if you once had faith in your government and major media, then it’s guaranteed your mind has been chopped up, stamped on and re-formed like a chicken nugget. Finding deliverance and freedom from that level of mindfuckery is entirely up to you. This is when you would be well-advised to start thinking like a sculptor and begin to chip away the parts that no longer serve you.

The practice of meditation exposes and discards every ingrained thought form imposed upon you by your mother, the military, the media, the monastery... every human or institution bent on making you think a certain way has done so for one reason: to compel you to quickly and efficiently do their will and not yours. Taking a daily deliberate interval of meditation develops your skill at pressing the pause button on the bullshit barrage of life.
In the west, the practice of meditation has endured massive amounts of subtle and not-so-subtle ridicule … why?

Because it’s bad for business.

Close the curtains and dim the room. Kill the phone. Minimise any electrical fields and high-frequency buzzing noises by turning off your computer and television. Don’t skimp—no matter how long your rope is, you’re not actually sailing if you’re still tied to the dock.

Volumes have been written about meditation, and down through the centuries many teachers would have you believe it takes a lifetime to achieve mastery, but every version boils down to this:

for a space of time you will aim to allow
the same state of physical relaxation
you achieve naturally every time
you go to sleep, yet maintain
total awareness throughout.

That’s it, just find somewhere comfortable, lie down, breathe regularly, relax completely and stay awake. That is meditation.


The best one I know for beginners is this:
Help. Thanks. Wow.

About me:
I was raised and educated in the Trivium to age ten and the Quadrivium to age fifteen. I number amongst relatives and close friends three generations of chiropractors, herbalists, reflexologists, nutritionists, homeopaths and one or two open-minded licensed medical doctors. You pick up a thing or two from decades of dinner table conversation.

I am responsible for the fourth gathering in four centuries of the Tudor/Jacobean Herbal by John Gerard. It is one of the proudest achievements of my life.

I am a passionate Spagyricist, though charting dates and times with any degree of reliability is not my strong suit. Nevertheless, my tinctures, distillations and fermentations are still more effective than commercially-produced products.

I believe The Creator has placed within this earthly realm every answer to health and remedy for disease that we could ever need, natural and good, unbent by corporate greed. Short of surgery, it is up to us to break free from needing any doctor to 'fix us' and instead, seek to discover these answers ourselves.

And while you are waiting for the apocalypse, I love this guy:
Take a look at that fried chicken.



Carrier Oils:

Cold-pressed Castor oil

Virgin Coconut Oil

Volatile Oil:

Oil of Oregano

Volatile Powders:


Cayenne Pepper



Miraculous Things:

Garlic, the best, the brightest, the purplest, the bulgiest, the ones that make your hands buzz with its life force

Apple Cider Vinegar with the Mother


Clear spirits, highest proof you can get. In America you can buy Everclear, 95%. I miss that. So useful.

Edited by Conniption
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being happy inside the boundaries of your skin

What follows can be divided into three main sections: those things you want to be free of entirely, that which you will thoroughly integrate to take their place, and a burgeoning hunger for consuming only those things that will nourish you, and not as a matter of onerous discipline but as easily, naturally and satisfyingly as you draw breath.


If you have ever walked any distance outside barefoot, eaten rare meat, done a sketchy job of washing or peeling vegetables and fruits, travelled in third-world shitholes, broken the surface of your skin and delayed immediate first aid, consumed sashimi, owned pets or had unprotected sex with a stranger then you’ve got parasites, and the longer you live, the greater the load you carry.

When the ratio tips from minor annoyance to full-on parasite possession—and the longer I study the issue the more it seems aligned with accounts of demonic possession—a cascade of ill health and destructive tendencies take root, exacerbated by stress, antibiotics and pharmaceutical palliatives. As in most things nowadays, only big pharma gets rich — not by curing the problem, just alleviating the symptoms of the problem.

Before changing your diet or lifestyle, the primary task is to eradicate the demons possessing you. The best, cheapest and most efficacious way to do this is Diatomacous Earth, a tablespoon a day stirred into 8oz of water. Since DE can stop you up, mix another glass of water with a tablespoon of psyllium husk and drink it down.


Never take pool grade DE, it will kill you. Food grade for humans, pets and livestock is what you are looking for.

You can buy psyllium husk in bulk from numerous places. Commercial is way cheaper than organic, though it’s your call. I don’t think psyllium is sprayed for pests, but you never know. The only place I really insist on organic is tropical root veg like turmeric and ginger.

When you begin this protocol it’s best to realise that you will be committing to murdering a vicious entity that has quietly, step-by-step invaded and established permanent residence within the boundaries of your skin. It easily moves from organ to organ if it feels threatened in one location and can cross the blood/brain barrier with alacrity, setting up command-central throughout the brain by which it can communicate instantly with other colonies.

Miss your sugary afternoon treat? Command central sends out an order to crash your blood sugar, give you a stinking headache, make you as irritable as a smoker missing his breaktime fag and so...you feed it, the invader, and it calms down—until the next time you disobey an order.

The more years you live with parasites, the more frequent and intense the consequences—joint pain, brain fog, twitchy addict responses, irrational mental states requiring psychotropic treatment, skin conditions—and the more alcohol, opiates, statins, steroids and so on are required to cope with day-to-day living. As you continue to decline, the parasite population increases, tipping the balance of power in their favour on every front. 

Think of an entity in the shape of *You* comprised of ringworm, toxoplasma gondii, pinworm, candida yeast, thrush, scabies, leucocyte pyrogens, fungus, bad bacteria, athlete’s foot, roundworms, tapeworms and whipworms—to name just a few—nibbling on your blood cells, subverting your endocrine and hormonal systems, invading your brain, your liver, your pancreas—all the  organs designed to support you and your continued well-being subsumed entirely in favour of supporting an invading army instead.

At any rate, what will be most helpful is to commit to the fact that the invader is not giving up without a fight.

Whenever something dies—your dog, your dad, your best friend, your pet turtle—the commencement of decomposition is immediate. The hallmark of the transformation is gases, copious, pervasive, toxic gases are released. In the open air you can run away from the dead thing but when it’s happening inside the confines of your body it makes you feel ill unto death for a while, like the worst flu you ever had.

When I began this process I had a headache every moment for a fortnight. Tthe first night I slept all the way through without waking up to drink water and weep it felt like a miracle. I felt like I had been pushed through a mangle, but I knew I was 95% recovered.


The crap possessing you will fight to the death. Be stronger than it is. Once you emerge from the other side you will begin to thrive with a rapidity that will amaze you, and the following protocols will support and boost you like a rocket.


Kefir+Golden Paste

Uncultured milk is really only suitable for humans younger than twenty. If you absolutely require it for coffee, tea, porridge and the like, make the move to goat’s milk. For all other uses, make a batch of kefir:


There are two types of kefir grains, milk and water, buy the milk kind and two cheapo glass jugs or jars, as well as a plastic strainer: Then get to know your new best friend, organic turmeric powder.

Turmeric (and ginger) are primarily grown in India, Southeast Asia and most Moslemic crapholes, a part of the world not known for its good stewardship of their native soil. Any root vegetables from this part of the world should be as organic as you can get and even then it’s a leap of faith.

The good news: 


Take a tablespoon of Golden Paste in 8oz of tart, sparkling milk kefir every day. It’s like drinking sunlight.

Which leads us to one of the three primary ingredients of Golden Paste, a literal miracle for inside and outside the body:


The lesson here is the bulkier you can buy, the better the deal. Trust that you will find many, many benefits, topical and otherwise.



Golden Paste recipe

80 grams Turmeric Powder use organic; root veg from the far east like ginger and turmeric are suspect in the extreme.
300 mls water 
1 teaspoon ground black pepper. The active ingredient piperine in the pepper increases the bioavailibilty of the turmeric by 700%
40 grams cold pressed Olive or un-refined Coconut oil – enhances the bio-availability of curcumin another seven to eight-fold
bring the water, coconut oil and pepper to a simmer, stir in the turmeric, pour into a clean jar, put it in the fridge and use 1 tablespoon a day stirred into half a pint of kefir.

To summarise:

When parasites are present they continually trip the alarms of your immune system and the best antidotes after a parasite rout are turmeric, apple cider vinegar, ginger, turmeric, coconut oil and probiotics like homemade kefir. Your body knows there’s something amiss long before your mind is ready to accept there is a problem, though after years of ignored warnings or the application of big pharma palliatives your immune response turns into a total drama queen, freaking out at the slightest thing—from peanuts to pollen to mosquito bites, anything can become a blown-out-of-proportion issue with a hypersensitive immune system.

The most pernicious physical condition associated with long-term parasite infestation: inflammation. Bowel issues, joint pain, skin eruptions, general malaise, cranky attitude, inflammation is the scourge of the elderly and a precursor to cancer, the effects of inflammation are legion and ultimately fatal in the sense that it may not kill you right away but it can definitely make you wish you were dead; and that's no way to live.

Next up is

Switchel, or Switch, or Hillbilly Pimms

Recipe goes 1,2,3...

1 tablespoon organic ginger powder
2 tablespoons organic apple cider vinegar
3 tablespoons good honey

Cucumber water isn't essential but it makes the drink taste amazing:
One cucumber, peeled then washed. Discard the outside peelings, wash, chop it into large pieces, put them in a glass pitcher and fill with clean, filtered water. Set it in the fridge to bask overnight.

Get a funnel and a quart bottle with a grolsch-style cap, or a big pickle jar with a tight lid, or whatever works. Get your funnel if you are working with a bottle and put in 1-2-3… 1 tablespoon organic powdered ginger, 2 tablespoons organic live apple cider vinegar and 3 tablespoons great, live, unpasteurised honey—real honey if you can get it. Or blackstrap molasses if you are hard-core or feeling low-energy. Finish filling that bottle or jar with clean, filtered water and shake it up well to dissolve the honey then let it sit in the fridge overnight alongside the cucumber water.

In the morning get a pint glass and fill half full with cucumber water, shake up the honey ginger mix and finish filling up your glass. Refreshes, hydrates, nourishes. The best thing in the world to drink in summer.

Further info:



It’s fair to say that 75% of what I know about medicine I learned from Earth Clinic and I wholeheartedly recommend it to you. The rest I gleaned from Gerard and Nostradamus.


It is essential that it has live culture and is not pasteurised.


1. Pick up The Cross of Herx and carry it till your invaders are dead.

2. Begin rebuilding your body for you alone by supplementing daily with Golden Milk Kefir+Golden Paste and with Switchel for joint, skin, organ and brain support, and a twice-weekly maintenance clean with DE and Psyllium.

3. When you have done these things you will find you are reborn, master of your own ship, sailing through renewed and vibrant years, calling the shots on what you want to eat instead of taking food demands from an entity who exists to exhaust your resources, kill you dead, then move on. You will find you crave only those things which nourish you best. You will be inspired to ask blessings upon your meal. You will wake up looking forward to every day. Wine will make you feel bad—hard alcohol worse. Any drug will make you feel poisoned. You will be able to detect what food is living and which have been irradiated or deadened by Roundup. Sugar will feel like parasite fertiliser. And all of it requires no discipline beyond the three remedies on offer here.

Shopping list:

DE Diatomaceous Earth
Psyllium Husk
Kefir grains
Organic Turmeric
Organic Ginger
Virgin Coconut Oil
Organic Apple Cider Vinegar with the Mother
Real Honey
Cucumbers, black pepper, clean water, et al

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The Magic of Magnesium

When you ingest magnesium in any form—raw dissolved flakes, buffered with citrate or epsom salt crystals—you will most likely poop your brain out your nether end, leading to a cascading set of problems when you are sick and dehydrated anyway. Maybe there was method in the madness described by the old survivors when they decided a backdoor purge with Milk of Magnesia was a measure of last resort. Most elders were tiny kids during the Spanish Flu and that is what they remember, being forced to choke down water and epsom salts.

Ingested magnesium has a take-up rate of 2-5%, the rest gets flushed right out your bum.

Transdermal magnesium has an absorption rate of 75-80% and here is how you do it:

Buy these flakes:


Mix one cup flakes to one cup simmering water, stirring till it dissolves, then let it cool. Put it in a spray bottle. At night, while you are reading dosbods, strip down and spray it all over your body. Let it soak in for an hour, then shower it off. You will sleep like a stone.

If you are low in magnesium your skin will prickle and sting for a bit, like when salt water dries on your skin in summer at the beach. Once your levels are topped up internally this effect stops.

Our soil has been thoroughly depleted of magnesium over the past 60 years due to intensive farming practices—we are starved of that mineral, our veg is low in it, as well, the meat we eat is low in it too. The trick in topping up your minerals is knowing how to get the most bang for your buck. Transdermal magnesium is the way to go.


Edited by Conniption
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@Turned Out Nice Again wrote something several weeks back that struck me to the heart, so I copied and pasted it: 


The chemistry of happiness: Dopamaine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphin.

Dopamine is the reward chemical, released into blood during pleasurable situations, reaching ones goals and milestones, finishing pending tasks and chores.

Oxytocin is the Love Hormone, released during Sex, childbirth, lactation and upon social bonding, physical touch and intimacy.

Serotonin is the mood stabilizer aka confidence molecule, released when we get respect from others and the contentment we get upon helping others. Increases upon exposure to Sun/Bright Light while its absence causes depression. Needs tryptophan rich diet, an amino acid that’s converted to serotonin in your brain. Serotonin is made by the body in the gastrointestinal tract, and not in the pituitary gland or pancreas like other hormones, hence, need healthy gut bacteria strengthened with probiotics, yogurt, curd.

Endorphin is the body's natural opioid, the pain-killer is released after exercise, triggered upon workout, while laughing and with certain foods like chocolate and chilli pepper.


For Dopamine: do your Tasks, Finish your Chores, Accomplish your goals
For Oxytocin: hold hands, hug loved ones, kiss, caress, cuddle, Make Love
For Serotonin: sunbath, Serve and Share with others, take Probiotics
For Endorphins: exercise, be physically active and have some chocolate.

... and you'll be fucking happy! OK?

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When you are too burned out to carry on...


Choose one bad news site and read only that one. Have you heard of Dosbods? Get rid of all others you may frequently check and leave it to Dosbodders with a thicker skin to seek out and re-present current events for you. Reading mass media 'Unhappy Meals' served up every hour will only make you fat and miserable when you are burned out .

Cut off Dosbods after 7pm. Read a good book instead. Or listen to audiobooks.

No food after 7pm. In fact, try to limit all eating in a 24 hour period to a six-hour window of your choosing to perform the famous Intermittent Fast. My first meal of the day is 2pm, my last is done by 7 pm. Since I started to live this way I feel reborn.

Little-to-no caffeine and if you must make it have half green tea, half earl grey. That is my own blend. I call it Earl Groovy.

Our topsoil has been raped of magnesium over the past fifty years due to intensive farming practices so we do not get what we need from our produce anymore. Make and apply Magnesium Oil (recipe below) Let it sit on your skin for an hour, then shower it off and go to bed. Magnesium makes you sleep very well.


After age twenty our brains lose glycine at a rate of 5 to 8% a decade, hence old timers having trouble sleeping through the night so incorporate pork gelatine into your life, the glycine in it will knock you out cold. The gelatine will cushion your joints. The pork factor is rebelliously haram



1 tablespoon stirred into one pint of cold water, let it bloom for 40 minutes, then heat gently until it's clear (medium heat for about four minutes, you just want it to melt, not be steaming hot.)

If exercise makes you twitchy, wake up early and do it first thing in the day. You can utilise that nervous energy to help you reach your first meal at 3pm.

Your bedroom should be a dead zone: no wifi, no phone, no tv on standby or monitor on sleep mode. Try to have as little light as possible. Use blackout curtains and buy a floor fan and aim it at the ceiling. White noise is just what you need. For that matter lose the wifi entirely. Hardwire everything instead. Get a curly cord phone, no base station phone. If you share a common wall with someone put metal screen up for a makeshift faraday cage to keep their evil rays out of your bedroom. If your window faces a cell mast, do the same with the metal screen. Metal bug screen is essential.

I'm not a fan of organised religion, though I recommend you select a spiritual practise—or even better design your own; something that makes you feel hopeful and uplifted, something that gets you accustomed to finding goodness and beauty. It serves the people who run the world to have you not believe in God. They certainly do, though they worship the devil.

I have been thinking a great deal lately of accounts of The Black Death and how people at the time just gave it up and partied like it's 1351; eating crops in the field and leaving the rest to rot. Abandoning family, loved ones and children at the first sign of illness, robbing corpses and their houses, fucking on the village green, losing their minds.

What is happening now is not newÚ times change, people don’t so expect to see plague behaviour once more. Perhaps that will offer you some comfort. 

God created us to love Him, and love can only exist where there is free will to do otherwise. Your enemy is counting on you to give up on God and plays upon your fear of looking weak or like a fool. Don’t fall for it.

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Bean Bowl

Pinto beams are the smoothest, silkiest, nicest beans ever invented. With the addition of a fat they can by whipped into buttery lightness and spread on tortillas as refried beans, or eaten with rice they form the base layer of any number of solid peasant dishes like Hoppin’ John or Arroz con Frijoles. Combing beans and a grain makes all the amino acids necessary to fool your body into thinking it has eaten meat.

The trick to cooking pinto beans fast is

1. The Power Soak
2. Not a speck of salt and
3. The Fart-Free technique

Put the kettle on. Sort through your pinto beans. Every one in approximately 10,000 handfuls will have a rock in it. Take out the rock. Bean sorting by machine is still an inexact science.

Measure out two handfuls per person into a sieve and rinse. Tip them into a saucepan and cover with boiling water, plus an inch or so of water on top since they will swell a bit. Leave them for one hour. Then rinse them under very cold water several times until all the water is clear. That’s the fart fuel gone.

Fill up the pan with fresh cold water, pop it on the cooker, bring to a boil, clap on a lid and turn the heat down to low. Cook for 2 hours. If you had added salt or salty meat it would take 6 hours to get them tender. When they are done, add a teaspoon of any concentrated chicken stock cube or little tub (with no MSG) then put your rice on. While the rice is cooking, chop up sweet purple onion, avocado, cherry tomatoes and grate some sharp cheddar cheese. Plop some cooked rice into a large bowl, sprinkle on some cheese, ladle on the beans and top with the goodies. Cheap, tasty, fulfilling, life-sustaining meal in a bowl.


That was the good times recipe. When bad times come and avocados, cheese and so on are scarce to non-existent, put on any veg you can scare up. Of all survival foods, rice and beans are (and last) forever and will keep you alive long enough to become Charlton Heston in The Omega Man.

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3 hours ago, Conniption said:

Please feel to add your own remedies. x


Alcohol inhalation is a method of administering alcohol (also known as ethanol) directly into the respiratory system, with aid of a vaporizing or nebulizing device


Inhalation of vapor obtained by nebulization of water and ethanol in oxygen has been used in treatment of pulmonary edema in humans.[10] Alcohol vapor acts as an anti-foaming agent in the lungs, so the sputum becomes more liquid, and can be easily expelled. 

No I've not tried it...

I would if really needed though.

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Heart's Ease
On 13/03/2020 at 15:35, Conniption said:

Bean Bowl

Pinto beams are the smoothest, silkiest, nicest beans ever invented. With the addition of a fat they can by whipped into buttery lightness and spread on tortillas as refried beans, or eaten with rice they form the base layer of any number of solid peasant dishes like Hoppin’ John or Arroz con Frijoles. Combing beans and a grain makes all the amino acids necessary to fool your body into thinking it has eaten meat.

The trick to cooking pinto beans fast is

1. The Power Soak
2. Not a speck of salt and
3. The Fart-Free technique...

Went down an absolute treat in our house. So, so tasty.  So easy. Followed the steps to the letter so hoping no 💨

💖 @Conniption Any more recipes lurking?


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And tabasco, too! 

This made my day! You have just taken your first step into a larger world, young jedi.

I will knock up a couple more survival recipes for you.

Let me know if you had a peaceful night from the fart-free technique.


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for great tootless-ness
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Below is an ‘interview’ of sorts originally published on February 1, 2020. @Vendetta had seen the pathetically-stitched photo of my food bunker and was full of questions which I answered in multi-quote format. I am reposting in hopes this may serve anyone who missed it first time round, though in the interim many of these questions have been asked, answered, debated and speculated about many times. 

Over the past two threads and eight-hundred-plus pages on this topic we the contributors have collectively shed layer after layer of old concepts and fears: What will people think? What do I need to survive two weeks? Two months? Two years? It isn’t just Dosbodders, either, though we were amongst the first. The past six weeks have seen hundreds of thousands galvanised into action, prepping early and often and increasingly unafraid to ask the big questions like, What if my government had no concern at all for me, how would I care for myself and my family then?

You heard the call and answered it valiantly and early. Thanks most of all to Vendetta for his curiosity and support.


Vendetta - What is on a preppers shopping list?  Inventory? 

Whatever you like to eat. It's useless to buy stuff you avoid until you are desperate and it's past its date. On the other hand, food is one of the best investments you can make—if nothing goes wrong at all then walking into your food store becomes a matter of selecting from a menu of possibilities.

For you? Or a family? 

Get one treat for each member of your family. Hide it well. In hard times or on a birthday, produce that treat and it will seem like a miracle. Everyone likes chocolate and it has never been cheaper to buy than now. Also, barterable.
longest lasting?

Beans, rice, pasta, white flour are longest lasting if you keep them cool and dark and safe from bugs.

Shelf life tips?

Rotate all canned goods, oldest in front, newest in back.

essential non-food items?

Bog roll, medicine, rechargeable batteries and charger, headtorches, hand soap

Any booze? Details?

I make tinctures from dandelion root and chickweed so am on a near-constant quest for clear alcohol higher than 45%. When I drink, I drink bourbon or whisky, all of which are barterable.

bottled water?

Berkey Filter


I bought mine ten years ago and am still using the same candles.

I also have three four-foot water butts (flushing the toilet, washing clothes and so on) and several twenty-five litre jerry cans in the house. I regularly change the water and top up with colloidal silver.

I highly recommend a colloidal silver generator. I bought mine from a very nice German fellow who has since shuttered his ebay shop, probably because there weren't enough nutjobs buying.  I still recommend having one for topical infections, gum infections, sore throat gargle, water purification and so on. Do a duckduckgo on it. On eBay they seem to be very big in Slovenia now and there's one or two people building them here in Britain. Don't pay more than 50 quid for it.

UHT non dairy?

I made it a priority ten years ago to lose as many addictions as I could— milk was one of those, cigarettes and sugar another. I enjoy a cappucino but I can live without coffee and milk. Tea is another matter. I have several truckloads by now, green, lapsang souchong, bog standard black and so on.


This is the one area I am reluctant to discuss in detail, but believe me when I say I miss my pickup truck and guns.

There are still numerous ways to defend oneself here, especially in close-quarters combat. I recommend buying throwing knives while you still can and practise, practise, practise because the problem with throwing knives is if you throw them and fail to kill you've just handed your enemy a weapon.

Once you are assured of your aim, practice on a hard pumpkin like butternut squash-that is the force you need to penetrate a human neck. Throwing knives lack the heft to penetrate fabric so aim for any exposed area like the face or eyes and make your throw lethal—Commit to kill.

Look into small skeggoxes—bearded bushcraft axes and practice throwing them into hard wood butts, developing the technique of throwing on-the-move, so as you walk towards your enemy you can grab the axe, pull it out quickly and finish them off while they are still processing the fact that they have just been penetrated by a blade.

There's nothing quite like your enemy looking down and seeing an axe sticking out of their chest to make them stop and think. This sudden shock buys you time.

Britons are beginning to remember that for thousands of years everyone on this island was armed at all times with daggers—with swords if you could afford them, with throwing axes and longbows for 'special occasions.' Personal defence meant accepting full responsibility for individual safety beyond city or castle walls. Defending ourselves with grace and strength and skill was something we once took great pride in.

value of stash?

Value or cost? Cost was a little at a time over time. Future value, inestimable.

Fuel? Batteries? Medical?

Fuel for me is firewood in the woodburner. Also, candles, Aladdin lamps and lamp oil. Small solar panels, a couple of deep cycle batteries and a good inverter—this should be enough to run a hot plate and believe me, a hot dinner at the right time can save your life and your sanity. 

anything else you’d like to add?

Have books you love around you. Have card and board games. Anything that does not need to be plugged in.

I think -  all jokes aside - when ‘panic’ ensues and it will ensue you will be well placed to ride it out. Also glad to hear you have another room devoted to big roll. 

The truth is you can never buy everything you need because in hard times what we all really need is health, friendship, a high-trust society to call our own, safety, happiness, a spiritual practice, a positive outlook, freedom to roam without fear of being attacked... barring those things, see to clean water you can produce yourself, basic first aid and medicine, long-term storage food—maybe a baseball bat and the will and skill to use it. Good, cheap thin bleach is an excellent thing to have and will be one of the first things to sell out.

Anything else you’d like to add?

Don't break a bone or catch a bullet or a blade.  Have your teeth seen to by a dentist before lockdown. Be careful who you trust.

And don't post pictures of your food bunker online :ph34r: xD :Beer:

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Thank you for taking the time to type all that out. Interesting & informative.

What are your feelings on the effect of heat on food & nutrition, etc? I'll give you a couple of examples:

I have a tea set, where the tea is kept hot with a candle underneath. My normal homemade tea is roughly 1/3 organic root ginger, 1/3 organic root turmeric, 1/3 honey. I'll add lemon sometimes, and now pepper since your bio-dynamic comments of a few days ago. Does chopping up these roots and chucking them in hot water have any adverse effects on their nutritional value? Does keeping them in hot water for hours (maybe about 70 C) have any adverse effect?

I'm a fan of dehydrators, especially now as a good means of extending the life of shop bought fruit. The theory is that the low heat of dehydrators preserves the nutritional value. Would/do you use a dehydrator?

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1 hour ago, Heffalump said:

Thank you for taking the time to type all that out. Interesting & informative.

Certainly, thank you for the acknowledgment, it's very gratifying to know I have left an impression.


What are your feelings on the effect of heat on food & nutrition, etc?

Water-soluble vitamins are the most at risk, and are always steadily diminished by exposure to heat and time. These include C and the B Vitamins Riboflavin, Folate, Thiamin, Niacin, B6, B12, Biotin and Pantothenic Acid, none of which are much of a concern in the tea you describe below.

Terpenes/terpenoids and bio-flavanoids are next most vulnerable. Anytime you see your candle-heated tea gently steaming you are watching these compounds f l o a t i n g g e n t l y a w a y instead of being ingested where they can do you the most good.

Least at risk are mineral compounds and fat-soluble vitamins.


I'll give you a couple of examples: I have a tea set, where the tea is kept hot with a candle underneath. My normal homemade tea is roughly 1/3 organic root ginger, 1/3 organic root turmeric, 1/3 honey. I'll add lemon sometimes, and now pepper since your bio-dynamic comments of a few days ago. Does chopping up these roots and chucking them in hot water have any adverse effects on their nutritional value? Does keeping them in hot water for hours (maybe about 70 C) have any adverse effect?

Those three ingredients are largely unaffected by heat and time, containing more essential minerals and volatile oils  and flavonoids than vitamins. The fact that ginger and turmeric can be dried and powdered with no loss of effectiveness is evidence of the amount of punishment they can take without losing any real virtue.

I do believe your tea is one of the most important beverages for health that anyone can take to become essentially bulletproof against inflammatory diseases like arthritis and IBS, as well as bracing the immune system against viral incursion through nasal, oral or ocular mucus membranes. Along with the tiniest pinch of cayenne if you really love the heat) you will be healing and strengthening your heart and scrubbing your arteries of fatty deposits.

if you really want to split hairs, don't leave live honey to stew over a candle but add it as you go. In the great scheme of things, however, it's only a tiny concern, so for convenience sake, I would say don't change a thing.


I'm a fan of dehydrators, especially now as a good means of extending the life of shop bought fruit. The theory is that the low heat of dehydrators preserves the nutritional value. Would/do you use a dehydrator?

Traditionally it's been done on the hottest, sunniest days and how many of those do we get in this damp, mossy isle? If you are going for electric, look for capacity, buy up those summer fruits and have at it, though the standard fan oven on lowest setting will serve you much better than a cheap Chinese plastic tat purpose-built dehydrator. 

After drying (as I am sure you well know, being a fan of dehydrating) store either in plastic bags or—better—snap-lid kilner jars with silica gel (in a little cloth bag, not touching the fruit directly) then away from the light.

I am working on dried food recipe for for things like jerky, which I love and make several times a year. Look for it below in the next day or two, and thank you for the kind words. 

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Austin Allegro

I practice the Wim Hof Method of deep breathing exercises, meditation and cold exposure to build immunity, oxygenation and lung capacity.

It's a sort of 'natural high' as well and very relaxing.


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19 minutes ago, Austin Allegro said:

I practice the Wim Hof Method of deep breathing exercises, meditation and cold exposure to build immunity, oxygenation and lung capacity.

It's a sort of 'natural high' as well and very relaxing.


I admire this man very much. He is a force for light in this dark world.

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Coronapocalypse Cookery: The Very Finest Gold-Plated, Award-Winning, Tex-Mex Chili in the World 


Chili con Carne is a meal for the poor, whether the diner is the lowliest of campesinos or trailbusting young cowboys crowding around the chuckwagon. It was a way to stretch a little meat for flavour and a lot of beans for ballast into a feast for many, and when combined with a carbohydrate—traditionally, corn or flour tortillas but bread is great as well—wonderful, in fact, since bread soaks up so much goodness. Rice, too.

Since it is a one-bowl meal it can be cooked in a cast iron pot over an open fire, on top of a wood burner or even in a hole in the ground over embers, much like our valiant cowboy forefathers must have done, so it definitely qualifies as a low-tech meal as long as you have access to something that burns.

Clarified butter is a beautiful thing since it is silly to spend the money for cold-pressed virgin oils then heat them to sautéing temperature where they break down and clag up your arteries. Cold-pressed oils should be for dressing a finished hot dish or cold salad, not for cooking. Clarified butter is tough and can take almost anything you throw at it and never burn and never break their long-chain triglycerides.

I fresh-grind spices, namely cumin, coriander and black pepper since freshly ground really makes the chili sparkle. I have a beat-up old cast iron Spong from the sixties that was made to grind coffee. You don’t have to get that precious with it, though, pre-ground spices are fine.

I prefer banana shallots to watery large white onions but onions will do just as well. You get more flavour bang for your buck with shallots, but they also are not available year-round. Fresh cayenne peppers, too, as many or as few as you like. Fresh has an immediacy lacking in dried chilis but if all you have is cayenne powder use 1/8th teaspoon for each fresh one. Do not fear the cocoa powder or the cinnamon, both are from the New World and are traditional in Mexican dishes like mole sauce. I love the Dutched-process cocoa from LIDL, nice and dark and smooth, the brand name is Belbake—virtually two a penny and cheaper than chips.

Pinto beans are sacred, smooth, silky. Those crazy Europeans will try and convince you that borlotti beans or even nasty old tough kidney beans are just as good but they are not. Tesco has 500g bags for just over a pound sterling. Cooking instructions are below.

This will feed four Texans or six Brits. As with all the best food of this type it’s even better the second day. Freeze whatever is leftover for another time.


4 banana shallots finely minced
4 cloves of garlic
As many cayenne chilis as you like. Start with two (1/8 teaspoon dried cayenne powder = one fresh chili) since you don’t want to put anyone in the hospital.
Five tablespoons of clarified butter (ghee in a can if you are lazy)
Anywhere from one half pint to one full pint of pale ale, dry cider, pilsner or lager (my favourite is a dry scrumpy cider)
3 level tablespoons of ground cumin
1 level tablespoon of ground black peppercorns
2 level tablespoons ground coriander seeds
1 rounded tablespoon ground cinnamon
1 rounded tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
1 rounded tablespoon ground smoked paprika
2 rounded tablespoons herbes de Provence
1 flat tablespoon brown sugar
4 tablespoons tomato puree
2 teaspoons salt
Three golf balls of Beef Mince
300 grams Pinto Beans cooked in plenty of water (method below)

The morning before or even the day before, cook your beans.

First, sort through them. In every ten thousand handfuls you may find a small rock since bean sorting by machine is still an inexact science. Take out the rock. Place them into a sieve or colander and rinse, rinse, rinse. Tip them into a saucepan and cover with boiling water, plus a couple of inches of water on top since they will swell a bit. Bring to a boil, turn off the heat, clap on a lid and let them sit for an hour. 

Pour off the water—that’s the fart-fuel gone—then add fresh clean water to one inch over the beans. Put the lid back on, bring to a boil, then turn the heat down as low as you can get it and still have them simmer. Cook for 2 to 2 1/2 hours. If you had added even a speck of salt or salty meat it would take 6 hours to get them tender. No salt, please, or we’ll be here all day.

When the beans are done, mince the shallots, garlic and chili pepper(s) and sauteé gently in clarified butter in a large pan until the shallots are clear and the garlic is just beginning to brown. While they are cooking, grind or assemble all herbs, spices, cocoa, tomato puree and booze.

Add the mince to the shallots and brown it up, then tip in the spices and knock it all briefly around the pan to toast things just a bit. All that powder will quickly drink up the oil and turn sludgy so immediately pour in the booze to loosen it all up to a paste. 

Add the beans with a slotted spoon along with splashes of bean broth to the liquid consistency you like, not too juicy, not too thick, just right to soak into potatoes or rice or whatever carb you want to serve this with.

Turn the heat down low, low, low and simmer gently for an hour so all the flavours become accustomed to one another and learn to play nicely together.

Taste it and adjust the seasonings to suit. Top with cheese, or sour cream or fresh cilantro (coriander herb) and serve over rice or jacket potatoes or corn or wheat tortillas. It's really good over polenta, too. Or over tortilla chips, even.

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Coronapocalypse Cookery: How a Ribeye and the Finest Butter Met Hot Iron and Fell in Love


It occurred to me that I always cook this like it is something holy and profound, a sacramental ritual of which the most important tenet is to have everything immediately to hand so the meat is never left unattended. This animal gave its life for my nourishment and deserves the full and reverent focus demanded by true gratitude.

It's another low-tech meal suitable for wood-burner or open fire with a grill table and featuring a method dating back to whenever ancient man began to use metal as a cooking surface. 

Wash the steaks, grind lots of black pepper on a plate and press the meat against the pepper so it’s firmly embedded. Then do the same to the other side of the steak. Don’t skimp.

Pop a couple of teaspoons of clarified butter in an old cast iron skillet and whack the heat right up to the high side of medium. Clarified butter is my go-to because the pan can be blazing hot but the oil never starts to break down or burn.

The instant the steak meets the hot metal it says, KEESHHHHHHHHH!—the mating call of good meat. Set the timer for three minutes if the steak is cold, two if it’s cool or if sliced particularly thinly, then plop a generous pat of best quality salted butter (my fave is shown above) on the top side and leave the steak alone. I do not nudge or budge or lift an edge to see what’s happening underneath; it serves me to think of this as an act of faith. 

When the timer goes, slide a steel spatula under and flip it, then watch that topside butter run screaming out the edges, it's beautiful. Set the timer for two or three minutes depending upon the parameters outlined above and start basting.

It's like oiling a piece of fine wood and seeing that beautiful grain pop into high contrast. The browned steak goes glossy and succulent, the very definition of anticipation. When the timer goes again, spatch the meat onto a warmed plate, immediately pour a couple of glugs of scrumpy cider in the pan, deglaze it and pour it over the steak, then wipe out the skillet with a damp tea towel and hang it up.

The meat is hot and red inside and should cut with just a fork. I take a baked maris piper potato out of the oven and bash it on the counter to make it fluff, then salt and pepper it. There's plenty of butter sauce on the plate to sop it in. A salad or broccoli would suit beautifully. 

A perfect meal.


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Coronapocalypse Cookery: Chewing on a Fan Belt Has Never Been This Delicious


Beef Jerky: lightweight, addictive and as old as time. In a country as damp as ours it’s not exactly low-tech but with a fan oven it is the next best thing to effortless.

Select silverside and bung it in the freezer for two or three hours, enough to firm it up, not so much that your knife bounces off it.

Always wash your meat. Slice it with the grain and it will be like chewing a hosepipe. Slice across the grain and it will break apart easily when you bite it.

Marinate it for a day in this:

1/3 cup tamari (or soy sauce)
2 tbls worcestershire
1tbls brown sugar 
1 1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp salt

To dry in a standard fan oven, remove the rack and suspend it on tins, then pierce four or five slices of marinated meat (or drape it) on bamboo skewers. Lay them at cross-purposes to the rack rods with space for air to reach each:


spread aluminium foil on the bottom of your oven, then transfer the rack (dripping all the way, probably, unless you have some kind soul track your passage with the drip-catcher).

The oven should be set at the lowest temp—most ovens bottom out around 75C (170F). If yours goes a little lower set it to that temp and it should take about 5 or 6 hours to dry. If you can bend the strips without snapping it will be more fun to eat but some people like it absolutely carbonised. 

I have never managed to make this last more than three or four days but you may virtuously decide to store it in a jar with silica gel to keep it dry or just put it in a plastic bag and freeze it.

Feel free to experiment on marinades:

Sweet and Spicy: Ginger, garlic, scallion, soy sauce, honey, Worcestershire, toasted sesame oil, Thai bird chiles

Caribbean Jerk: Allspice, cloves, cinnamon, thyme, ginger, garlic, scallion, brown sugar, soy sauce, Worcestershire, habanero pepper

South of the Border: Coriander, cumin, chipotles in adobo, cilantro, achiote, garlic, onion, liquid mesquite smoke, salt

Mai Thai: Dark rum, pineapple juice, orange juice, grenadine, coconut milk, salt
Vietnamese: Fish sauce, palm sugar, lime juice, garlic, papaya, basil, chile flakes

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Coronapocalypse Cookery: Cabbage and Italian Meatballs, High-tech or Low


500 grams of pork mince, fatty as possible, squished by hand in a large bowl with:

two loose handfuls parmesan cheese, finely grated
three tablespoons herbes de Provence
teaspoon of ground pepper
teaspoon of salt
three tablespoons melted butter, clarified or otherwise
three large banana shallots or one white onion, finely chopped
four cloves of garlic, finely chopped
three slices of bread cut in quarter-inch cubes, the more stale the better. You can also crumble any sort of cracker, matzo or ryvita if you lack bread.


two heads of savoy cabbage, medium to large

Get a big pan of bowling water going. Take the cabbages apart by cuttting out the core, then separating the leaves. At some point the leaves will become too small to be any use and with luck you will end up with twenty-five or so really big useful ones. Use the remainder of the cabbage in another dish.

Drop them into the boiling water five leaves at a time, letting them boil for two or three minutes. Pull them out and drop in another bunch. This will make them bendy instead of snappy. 

Mix the meat and seasonings well, mashing them together with your hands, pop several tablespoons of the mixture in each leaf, roll em up and lay them out in a roasting pan till the pan is full.

Top with a tin or two of chopped tomatoes, cover with foil or a cookie sheet or a lid or whatever you have and bake for one hour at 165 C (325 F)

When you take it out of the oven, drizzle some olive oil on top and serve with bread or rice or whatever carb you like.

That was the fancy recipe, the low-tech recipe is;

Chop cabbage into strips, sweat it down with clarified butter or the oil of your choice in a deep cast iron pan, make meatballs out of pork mixture, nestle them amongst the cabbage, cover and cook for an hour at the same temp as above. When it comes out, heat up a couple tins of chopped tomatoes and pour over the cabbage and meatballs, then drizzle with olive oil.

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Coronapocalypse Cookery: Long-Haul Maple Roast Pork


3 kilos skin-on pork shoulder

3 tablespoons fennel seeds, toasted, crushed

14 garlic cloves, crushed

3 tablespoons good salt

1/2 cup olive oil

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 teaspoon black pepper

185 ml grade b maple syrup (or 4 heaping tablespoons dark brown sugar)

500 ml of a malty fruity ale

2 teaspoons malt vinegar

Preheat oven to 232 C. Toast fennel seeds in a skillet over medium heat, until fragrant, then bruise them with a mortar and pestle, or a rolling pin, or a hammer, or the power of your mind if you have that ability.

Place garlic and salt in empty mortar mortar and grind together to make a paste. Slowly add olive oil, then sprinkle in cayenne, black pepper and the bruised fennel.

Rub about 1/3 of the paste over the skinless side of the meat, then place skin side down in a roasting pan in lower third of oven and leave it in that blasting heat for 30 minutes. Meanwhile, stir the syrup (or sugar) and vinegar into the remaining paste.

Turn the oven down to 110 C. Carefully flip the shoulder then spread the remaining paste over the shoulder, pushing it into the scored skin.

Return to oven and cook for 8-to-10 hours (many modern ovens shut off after 8 hours—Thanks EU! You're so awesome to look after us like we all belong on the short bus) Baste the meat every couple of hours and try to ignore the delicious smells making your stomach growl. 

Take it out of the oven, put it on a platter, and let people pull off pieces like lions on the veldt.

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