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Well I completely lost all man points about half an hour ago. Was just drying Jnrs hair in the living room when I heard a "what on earth was that?" What was what? "I just saw something huge scurry by the Couch." 

So I tentatively walk around to see the biggest house spider ever known to man. I'm not exaggerating at all, when I say it was borderline Tarantula size, albeit a very skinny one. 

I reached for the spider grabber, as I try to be nice these days and catch them to release them. Well it couldn't cope could it (nothing to do with my piss poor reaction time) and it escaped into the hall. 

Now, the hall is currently box stacking central so I thought my chance was over, and I would be kept awake all night waiting for it to come and get me. 

I put the torch on my phone on and managed to spot it in a corner under the shoe rack. 

At this point you need to picture Arnie in Commando when he has rocket launchers and nukes strapped to him. That was me. Dyson in one hand, handheld vac in the other. 

I knew I only had one last chance before I'd lost this battle. I slowly slid the Dyson hose around my Pair of Cat boots. (oh how I wish I had a pair of actual Cats at this point), lined my other hand up on the power button and took a deep breath. 

I missed of course, but after twatting my boots out of the way I got it. I still kept vaccing around there for another 10 seconds to reassure myself and then checked the thankfully see through Dyson "bucket". I'm pretty sure I correctly identified a stray Spider leg. It was the size of a twig after all. 

Jnr has now gone to bed worried about Spiders but will be snoring in 10 mins. 

I will be shitting the bed all night that I didn't get the mother fucker or if I did, he sent a signal to his mates and they are going to get revenge. 

What have I learnt from tonight's horrific incident? 

I'm not a real Man. 

I'm a scruffy cunt and need to tidy up. 

I need a Cat, or 12.

Thank you for reading, 

Sucralose "Cat Lady" Leonard. 

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I had one like that last week. I was lying on my sofa watching the TV when I became aware of this enormous spider on the carpet a foot or so from my face. It was just watching me.

I waved an arm at it to shoo it away. Didn't move. I got up and stamped on the carpet around it. It did not move.

Had to get a piece of cardboard to push it before it moved. Then it ran underneath the sofa where it now lurks.

 

 

What I normally do is drop the plastic container of strawbs / grapes on top of spiders. Then I slide a piece of cardboard underneath it and carry them outside. At which point I throw them into the garden. I did that with a daddy longlegs last week but it was back inside the house faster than I was.

Keep plastic fruit tubs for this purpose.

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8 minutes ago, Sucralose Ray Leonard said:

I'm not a real Man. 

I enjoy your posts, but on this occasion I'm afraid I must agree! :)

Somewhere in TV archives there's a programme about people who undertook shock therapy to get over their phobias - the bloke's eyes as in frozen terror he allowed an immense tarantula to walk over his face was a sight that has stayed with me. You should try and find it.

 

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50 minutes ago, Sucralose Ray Leonard said:

Well I completely lost all man points about half an hour ago. Was just drying Jnrs hair in the living room when I heard a "what on earth was that?" What was what? "I just saw something huge scurry by the Couch." 

So I tentatively walk around to see the biggest house spider ever known to man. I'm not exaggerating at all, when I say it was borderline Tarantula size, albeit a very skinny one. 

I reached for the spider grabber, as I try to be nice these days and catch them to release them. Well it couldn't cope could it (nothing to do with my piss poor reaction time) and it escaped into the hall. 

Now, the hall is currently box stacking central so I thought my chance was over, and I would be kept awake all night waiting for it to come and get me. 

I put the torch on my phone on and managed to spot it in a corner under the shoe rack. 

At this point you need to picture Arnie in Commando when he has rocket launchers and nukes strapped to him. That was me. Dyson in one hand, handheld vac in the other. 

I knew I only had one last chance before I'd lost this battle. I slowly slid the Dyson hose around my Pair of Cat boots. (oh how I wish I had a pair of actual Cats at this point), lined my other hand up on the power button and took a deep breath. 

I missed of course, but after twatting my boots out of the way I got it. I still kept vaccing around there for another 10 seconds to reassure myself and then checked the thankfully see through Dyson "bucket". I'm pretty sure I correctly identified a stray Spider leg. It was the size of a twig after all. 

Jnr has now gone to bed worried about Spiders but will be snoring in 10 mins. 

I will be shitting the bed all night that I didn't get the mother fucker or if I did, he sent a signal to his mates and they are going to get revenge. 

What have I learnt from tonight's horrific incident? 

I'm not a real Man. 

I'm a scruffy cunt and need to tidy up. 

I need a Cat, or 12.

Thank you for reading, 

Sucralose "Cat Lady" Leonard. 

 

So, you just tried to kill or succeded in killing an amazing and beautiful creature. Where everything from its biochemistry and physiology to its behavour works perfectly due to being honed by hundreds of millions of years of evolution, except for a strategy to thwart your Dyson.

 

ag-57931uHoPVWA8gyzvACaGVefoSgxYSYFaKTisONkbE5oCSEBCQXn_uivFdeFcYTeUYNwXyzoHZattpI6t_nsmoakZEjEXW3JDpuF2O5LAF1IeB1ctEY3mjdR3G6ciqSwIXHfy728vDpEW5cKB2tnyjnLPWQnsUaDGvtzQyApW6hd0Q2CzyA

 

Australian_garden_orb_weaver_spider_spinneret.jpg

Edited by Hopeful
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29 minutes ago, swiss_democracy_for_all said:

I enjoy your posts, but on this occasion I'm afraid I must agree! :)

Somewhere in TV archives there's a programme about people who undertook shock therapy to get over their phobias - the bloke's eyes as in frozen terror he allowed an immense tarantula to walk over his face was a sight that has stayed with me. You should try and find it.

 

I remember some TV a while back featuring some kind of much nicer treatment (I would happily tent) involving heart medication iirc then introducing spiders into the mix with the 'patient' amazingly having no fear whatsoever. 

Don't remember the exact process of events but not as cruel as that anyway, just that it involved some light pharmaceutical.

 

I miss having spiders around all the same, as long as they keep their distance and in their quarters.

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Two evenings this week I had a massive house spider sprint across the carpet towards me before shuttling between the fire, under the settee, and my feet.

The second evening I did the bowl and cardboard capture and dropped him into the garden; which I think is where he wanted to go.

My most extreme spider experience was when I was moved to a rarely used room in my B&B during Cheltenham Gold Cup week.

The resident enormous house spider was clearly unhappy so ran over my face several times that night waking me up each time.

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Just now, Frank Hovis said:

Two evenings this week I had a massive house spider sprint across the carpet towards me before shuttling between the fire, under the settee, and my feet.

The second evening I did the bowl and cardboard capture and dropped him into the garden; which I think is where he wanted to go.

My most extreme spider experience was when I was moved to a rarely used room in my B&B during Cheltenham Gold Cup week.

The resident enormous house spider was clearly unhappy so ran over my face several times that night waking me up each time.

No, he definitely wanted to be in your house. It's the same every year, once the weather turns, they are looking for somewhere warm and dry to overwinter. Your only chance is maybe to offer him a ticket to Malaga.

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15 minutes ago, Captain Cavey said:

What’s happening here? Is there estrogen in the tap water? Too much soybeans? Are floppy man tits extracting reason and accountability ?

UK spiders, pah!  I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....

Lol 

The only time to worry is when they open the doors

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