Bloody huge House Spiders

[Sucralose Ray Leonard 5,958]

Well I completely lost all man points about half an hour ago. Was just drying Jnrs hair in the living room when I heard a "what on earth was that?" What was what? "I just saw something huge scurry by the Couch." 

So I tentatively walk around to see the biggest house spider ever known to man. I'm not exaggerating at all, when I say it was borderline Tarantula size, albeit a very skinny one. 

I reached for the spider grabber, as I try to be nice these days and catch them to release them. Well it couldn't cope could it (nothing to do with my piss poor reaction time) and it escaped into the hall. 

Now, the hall is currently box stacking central so I thought my chance was over, and I would be kept awake all night waiting for it to come and get me. 

I put the torch on my phone on and managed to spot it in a corner under the shoe rack. 

At this point you need to picture Arnie in Commando when he has rocket launchers and nukes strapped to him. That was me. Dyson in one hand, handheld vac in the other. 

I knew I only had one last chance before I'd lost this battle. I slowly slid the Dyson hose around my Pair of Cat boots. (oh how I wish I had a pair of actual Cats at this point), lined my other hand up on the power button and took a deep breath. 

I missed of course, but after twatting my boots out of the way I got it. I still kept vaccing around there for another 10 seconds to reassure myself and then checked the thankfully see through Dyson "bucket". I'm pretty sure I correctly identified a stray Spider leg. It was the size of a twig after all. 

Jnr has now gone to bed worried about Spiders but will be snoring in 10 mins. 

I will be shitting the bed all night that I didn't get the mother fucker or if I did, he sent a signal to his mates and they are going to get revenge. 

What have I learnt from tonight's horrific incident? 

I'm not a real Man. 

I'm a scruffy cunt and need to tidy up. 

I need a Cat, or 12.

Thank you for reading, 

Sucralose "Cat Lady" Leonard. 

[The Masked Tulip 55,772]

I had one like that last week. I was lying on my sofa watching the TV when I became aware of this enormous spider on the carpet a foot or so from my face. It was just watching me.

I waved an arm at it to shoo it away. Didn't move. I got up and stamped on the carpet around it. It did not move.

Had to get a piece of cardboard to push it before it moved. Then it ran underneath the sofa where it now lurks.

 

 

What I normally do is drop the plastic container of strawbs / grapes on top of spiders. Then I slide a piece of cardboard underneath it and carry them outside. At which point I throw them into the garden. I did that with a daddy longlegs last week but it was back inside the house faster than I was.

Keep plastic fruit tubs for this purpose.

[The Masked Tulip 55,772]

5 minutes ago, Sucralose Ray Leonard said:

I need a Cat, or 12.

 

[Sucralose Ray Leonard 5,958]

Just now, The Masked Tulip said:

 

Does that work though or is it a bollocks house wife tale? 

I'm not planting a Conker tree in my living room. 

[feed 1,608]

Spiders like to sit on your face while you sleep

 

[Sucralose Ray Leonard 5,958]

Just now, feed said:

Spiders like to sit on your face while you sleep

 

I was about to page @JoeDavola but I misread the message. 

[onlyme 11,264]

1 minute ago, feed said:

Spiders like to sit on your face while you sleep

 

I don't think that helped. 

[Bandit Banzai 1,027]

Now you've upset one his mates will come back mob-handed. It's some natural rule or summat.

[swiss_democracy_for_all 17,951]

8 minutes ago, Sucralose Ray Leonard said:

I'm not a real Man. 

I enjoy your posts, but on this occasion I'm afraid I must agree! 

Somewhere in TV archives there's a programme about people who undertook shock therapy to get over their phobias - the bloke's eyes as in frozen terror he allowed an immense tarantula to walk over his face was a sight that has stayed with me. You should try and find it.

 

[Chewing Grass 21,268]

Saw one in our attached garage at the weekend, size of a squash ball with legs, thought to myself that's OK, will keep the other smaller bugs at bay. The thing sprinted across the floor like Daley Thompson on Superstars, no chance of photographing it let alone apprehending the buggwer.

[dgul 18,601]

Spiders in the UK are a bit like coronavirus -- they're very unlikely to kill you.

AFAICT, in this instance the 'vulnerable' are the people that are scared of spiders.  

[Sucralose Ray Leonard 5,958]

I blame my ancestors. Its clearly been passed down through the genes. 

The good news is because they were white, you can all blame them too. 

[sarahbell 18,160]

Just pick it up and put it out. By the leg of it won't fit in your hand. 

 

[The Grey Man 4,549]

12 minutes ago, feed said:

Spiders like to sit on your face while you sleep

 

Nearly happened to me two years ago.

Crawled over my shoulder whilst typing.

PC went accross the bed.

Squished. No more spider.

No mercy. Yep I am a spider biggot

 

[Rowley 3,697]

8 minutes ago, The Grey Man said:

Nearly happened to me two years ago.

Crawled over my shoulder whilst typing.

PC went accross the bed.

Squished. No more spider.

No mercy. Yep I am a spider biggot

 

Arach Lives Matter 🕷 

[Hopeful 23,684]

50 minutes ago, Sucralose Ray Leonard said:

Well I completely lost all man points about half an hour ago. Was just drying Jnrs hair in the living room when I heard a "what on earth was that?" What was what? "I just saw something huge scurry by the Couch." 

So I tentatively walk around to see the biggest house spider ever known to man. I'm not exaggerating at all, when I say it was borderline Tarantula size, albeit a very skinny one. 

I reached for the spider grabber, as I try to be nice these days and catch them to release them. Well it couldn't cope could it (nothing to do with my piss poor reaction time) and it escaped into the hall. 

Now, the hall is currently box stacking central so I thought my chance was over, and I would be kept awake all night waiting for it to come and get me. 

I put the torch on my phone on and managed to spot it in a corner under the shoe rack. 

At this point you need to picture Arnie in Commando when he has rocket launchers and nukes strapped to him. That was me. Dyson in one hand, handheld vac in the other. 

I knew I only had one last chance before I'd lost this battle. I slowly slid the Dyson hose around my Pair of Cat boots. (oh how I wish I had a pair of actual Cats at this point), lined my other hand up on the power button and took a deep breath. 

I missed of course, but after twatting my boots out of the way I got it. I still kept vaccing around there for another 10 seconds to reassure myself and then checked the thankfully see through Dyson "bucket". I'm pretty sure I correctly identified a stray Spider leg. It was the size of a twig after all. 

Jnr has now gone to bed worried about Spiders but will be snoring in 10 mins. 

I will be shitting the bed all night that I didn't get the mother fucker or if I did, he sent a signal to his mates and they are going to get revenge. 

What have I learnt from tonight's horrific incident? 

I'm not a real Man. 

I'm a scruffy cunt and need to tidy up. 

I need a Cat, or 12.

Thank you for reading, 

Sucralose "Cat Lady" Leonard. 

 

So, you just tried to kill or succeded in killing an amazing and beautiful creature. Where everything from its biochemistry and physiology to its behavour works perfectly due to being honed by hundreds of millions of years of evolution, except for a strategy to thwart your Dyson.

 

 

Edited September 30, 2020 by Hopeful

[maynardgravy 9,132]

 

[Dogtania 1,923]

29 minutes ago, swiss_democracy_for_all said:

I enjoy your posts, but on this occasion I'm afraid I must agree! 

Somewhere in TV archives there's a programme about people who undertook shock therapy to get over their phobias - the bloke's eyes as in frozen terror he allowed an immense tarantula to walk over his face was a sight that has stayed with me. You should try and find it.

 

I remember some TV a while back featuring some kind of much nicer treatment (I would happily tent) involving heart medication iirc then introducing spiders into the mix with the 'patient' amazingly having no fear whatsoever. 

Don't remember the exact process of events but not as cruel as that anyway, just that it involved some light pharmaceutical.

 

I miss having spiders around all the same, as long as they keep their distance and in their quarters.

[Funn3r 6,988]

Female wolf spider? Looks Big'nScary but harmless. Eats all your other bugs. Film at 11.

[Frank Hovis 44,240]

Two evenings this week I had a massive house spider sprint across the carpet towards me before shuttling between the fire, under the settee, and my feet.

The second evening I did the bowl and cardboard capture and dropped him into the garden; which I think is where he wanted to go.

My most extreme spider experience was when I was moved to a rarely used room in my B&B during Cheltenham Gold Cup week.

The resident enormous house spider was clearly unhappy so ran over my face several times that night waking me up each time.

[Captain Cavey 4,604]

What’s happening here? Is there estrogen in the tap water? Too much soybeans? Are floppy man tits extracting reason and accountability ?

UK spiders, pah!  I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....

[NTB 4,100]

Just now, Frank Hovis said:

Two evenings this week I had a massive house spider sprint across the carpet towards me before shuttling between the fire, under the settee, and my feet.

The second evening I did the bowl and cardboard capture and dropped him into the garden; which I think is where he wanted to go.

My most extreme spider experience was when I was moved to a rarely used room in my B&B during Cheltenham Gold Cup week.

The resident enormous house spider was clearly unhappy so ran over my face several times that night waking me up each time.

No, he definitely wanted to be in your house. It's the same every year, once the weather turns, they are looking for somewhere warm and dry to overwinter. Your only chance is maybe to offer him a ticket to Malaga.

[Vendetta 2,978]

These spiders are really annoying at this time of the year....

I just went to go for a shit..... 

[ashestoashes 10,219]

if they could be trained to do the dusting it would be tolerable

[sarahbell 18,160]

15 minutes ago, Captain Cavey said:

What’s happening here? Is there estrogen in the tap water? Too much soybeans? Are floppy man tits extracting reason and accountability ?

UK spiders, pah!  I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....

Lol 

The only time to worry is when they open the doors