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JoeDavola

Visiting Parents

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I'll start with the disclaimer that I love my parents and all that, and I don't want this to come off as ungrateful.

But I'm pretty much expected to visit them every weekend - the assumption is always made that I'm calling over every weekend - and it takes up pretty much half a day. When I don't head over, especially a couple of weeks in a row, I get the feeling there's a bit of a guilt trip laid on.

As someone in their 30's with a full time job that's a big chunk of my free time spent pretty much just sitting watching TV that I don't enjoy. I'm also suffering from a bit of increased depression/anxiety at the moment and most times whenever I head back I'm exposed to my parents dreadful relationship of them being basically shitty to each other, which leads to me thinking of the last 30 odd years of experiencing that, and it sometimes takes me a day or so to get it - although that's all down to chance, it's very jekyll/hyde, but the crap stuff happens enough that your always on eggshells to an extent anyway.

So the question is, is it un-reasonable for someone of my age and in my situation not to want to visit 25% of every weekend with their parents?

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4 minutes ago, JoeDavola said:

So the question is, is it un-reasonable for someone of my age and in my situation not to want to visit 25% of every weekend with their parents?

I would say no, but this is dependant on their age which I'm assuming is their mid to late 50s. When you are in your 50s and they are knocking on 80 its a different kettle of fish as they will have calmed down a lot and will probably be in poor health.

I'd visit once a fortnight or when actually passing and visit more often when they are older and need more contact.

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4 minutes ago, Chewing Grass said:

I would say no, but this is dependant on their age which I'm assuming is their mid to late 50s. When you are in your 50s and they are knocking on 80 its a different kettle of fish as they will have calmed down a lot and will probably be in poor health.

I'd visit once a fortnight or when actually passing and visit more often when they are older and need more contact.

Mid 60's. Both in reasonably good health. My brother still lives with them and informs me that, despite what I'd thought, the rows have not mellowed much with age; he's desperate to move out as soon as he can afford it.

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Toxic parents.  mine are like this  (the arguing,  shitty relationship ) ,  I too need a day to recover from it.

IIt's not unreasonable to put distance between you and them.  Go away for the weekend / day trip to the south of Ireland, it will lift your mood

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4 minutes ago, Uptherebels said:

You don't say how far it is. I would think once a month should be doable. For a long time, I lived in separate countries to mine, so once a year was enough! :)

This. 

Makes a big difference if they're in the next town or the next county. 

Mine are 70+ but still see them every 2/3 weeks and they're around 10 miles away. I'd like to see them more but I've got 3 children and not much spare time. 

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8 minutes ago, JFK said:

Toxic parents.  mine are like this  (the arguing,  shitty relationship ) ,  I too need a day to recover from it.

IIt's not unreasonable to put distance between you and them.  Go away for the weekend / day trip to the south of Ireland, it will lift your mood

I'm far more relaxed and able to be myself around my co-workers than I am my own parents, which isn't something I like to admit. The great irony is that when I'm not feeling very good and some quality company is just what I need, I think of potential time with them as something I have to be 'prepared' for i.e. 'I don't have the emotional reserves today to cope with them if they're at their worst'.

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3 minutes ago, JoeDavola said:

I'm far more relaxed and able to be myself around my co-workers than I am my own parents, which isn't something I like to admit. The great irony is that when I'm not feeling very good and some quality company is just what I need, I think of potential time with them as something I have to be 'prepared' for i.e. 'I don't have the emotional reserves today to cope with them if they're at their worst'.

This reflects my experiences too

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It's absolutely reasonable not to see them this frequently, particularly if it is impacting on your emotional well being.  It's definitely not uncommon to get on better with other people than your family. I have more in common with colleagues and friends than my family and I find visits quite difficult.

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Joe, how about getting them over to your gaff every now and then instead?  Maybe they're less likely to have a row at your place?  And also as it's a bit of a pain in the arse for them to get themselves organized and travel to yours, maybe they'll start to develop a bit of empathy for you doing the same every week.  I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see them a bit less.  But at their age you never know what's round the corner, time with them is important, especially if things can get a bit healthier over time.

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Just now, The Prick said:

Joe, how about getting them over to your gaff every now and then instead?  Maybe they're less likely to have a row at your place?  And also as it's a bit of a pain in the arse for them to get themselves organized and travel to yours, maybe they'll start to develop a bit of empathy for you doing the same every week.  I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see them a bit less.  But at their age you never know what's round the corner, time with them is important, especially if things can get a bit healthier over time.

Because his bed is covered in shit, and the washing machine doesn't work!

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Just now, MrPin said:

Because his bed is covered in shit, and the washing machine doesn't work!

I thought he dumped that bird?

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4 hours ago, JoeDavola said:

So the question is, is it un-reasonable for someone of my age and in my situation not to want to visit 25% of every weekend with their parents?

NO.

I have been the mediator in my parents awful marriage for half a century (narcissist and supply). You must not let them control you as you will never satiate their needs for love and affection; they will suck you dry and you will be emotionally drained. Do for your parents what you and any other normal person would consider reasonable.

Remember, you are their child and they are your parents, and not vice versa. Always look after your own sanity.

All the best

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Just now, One percent said:

Yes you said.  All over the bed apparently. 

I never had this experience! Although I did wash a lady's panties overnight, so she was clean to go in the morning! What a gent!o.O

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4 hours ago, JoeDavola said:

So the question is, is it un-reasonable for someone of my age and in my situation not to want to visit 25% of every weekend with their parents?


You need to find reasons why you can't visit them and break it gently until you've got in the habit of not going so often. It might be they are wondering how the hell they can tell you to not come every weekend.

Say things like "I'm away next weekend and the one after so I'll see you in a couple of weeks."
Or just "I'm busy for the next few weeks but I'll come for tea on 27th".. 


 

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2 hours ago, sarahbell said:


You need to find reasons why you can't visit them and break it gently until you've got in the habit of not going so often. It might be they are wondering how the hell they can tell you to not come every weekend.

Say things like "I'm away next weekend and the one after so I'll see you in a couple of weeks."
Or just "I'm busy for the next few weeks but I'll come for tea on 27th".. 


 

This, every fortnight is fine.

I see my parents each week when I usually have a tasklist of heavy lifting and sorting out computer problems, they're downsizing soon which will make it much easier for them but at the moment I feel that I'm needed so help out.

That wasn't the case when they were in their 50s when they could do everything themselves.

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3 hours ago, MrPin said:

I never had this experience! Although I did wash a lady's panties overnight, so she was clean to go in the morning! What a gent!o.O

Washed them like a cat does?

If they start kicking off while you're round there, use that as a reason to depart.

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16 minutes ago, NTB said:

Washed them like a cat does?

If they start kicking off while you're round there, use that as a reason to depart.

I actually used the wash basin, and some washing powder! I'm a dirty old git, but I'm not that bad!

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8 hours ago, JoeDavola said:

As someone in their 30's with a full time job that's a big chunk of my free time spent pretty much just sitting watching TV that I don't enjoy. I'm also suffering from a bit of increased depression/anxiety at the moment and most times whenever I head back I'm exposed to my parents dreadful relationship of them being basically shitty to each other, which leads to me thinking of the last 30 odd years of experiencing that, and it sometimes takes me a day or so to get it - although that's all down to chance, it's very jekyll/hyde, but the crap stuff happens enough that your always on eggshells to an extent anyway.

So the question is, is it un-reasonable for someone of my age and in my situation not to want to visit 25% of every weekend with their parents?

My parents were terrible bickerers, sometimes spilling over into childish temper tantrums in my dad like he was 4 years old. It isn't good if you are not like that. I need a lot of peace and calm as I have to deal with a lot of difficult people at work (like my autistic colleague) and certainly couldn't deal with my parents bickering at weekends.

Well my dad is dead so will bicker no more, he must have wasted a huge amount of his life arguing. I think he was from the angry young men generation (who grew into the grumpy old men generation).

And I've just learned my mum had a heart attack today and is in hospital, but being well looked after.

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9 minutes ago, davidg said:

And I've just learned my mum had a heart attack today and is in hospital, but being well looked after.

Very sorry to hear about your Mum David; I hope she gets well soon.

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1 minute ago, JoeDavola said:

Very sorry to hear about your Mum David; I hope she gets well soon.

She should be ok but she's over 80.

So yes, I fully understand you don't want to spend every weekend with arguing parents, it is normal, it is abusive.

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