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Frank Hovis

Local Characters

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By characters I mean genuine character rather than the tramp who gets drunk in the precinct and shouts at the pigeons.

 

Two from my youth:

 

A really old Sally Ann lady who used to come collecting round all the roughest pubs on a Friday night.

It was something to behold, total thugs suddenly started watching their language, speaking quietly and shyly digging in their pockets for change; everyone put in including me.

What a woman!

 

A local "entertainer" called the Great Gonzo, visually looked like Benny Hill's short stooge and must have been around 80.  Wearing a bright shiny cabaret shirt he used to sing and play the organ, both badly, intersperse it with jokes, badly, and then do his "Michael Jackson" which consisted of his standing up, putting on an afro wig and doing some knee bends to a disco tune.

The funniest thing was the reaction from non-locals who coudln't quite believe what they were seeing; I was fearing for one woman who was laughing so loudly she was having trouble drawing a breath.

 

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My sister used to live near southfields in London, where 'Bad Santa' was a regular on the street.  Harmless, but a BIG bugger with a big santa beard, often drunk.  If he saw you and took a dislike, he would remember for YEARS and shout unintelligible abuse across the roads.  Eyes like a hawk too - I saw him recognise people from a football pitch away on a crowded street.  Very funny at wimbledon time to see the reaction of tourists.

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          https://mauricejohnkirk.com/

No longer local to me thought 

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'Bart Simpson'.

At least that's what i call him. A bloke in his forties at least complete with backward cap, skateboard and eighties t-shirt and shorts. 

He's absolutely shot away but I think he's superb.

There is a mean looking giant of a guy with a huge bushy beard that walks all over town dragging a large suitcase. Seriously, he looks like Hagrid on his hols.

I've never had the minerals to ask what's in the case. Probably the heads and/or scrotums of the previous folk who asked him what's in there.

 

4 minutes ago, Great Guy said:

cat man of Greenock....

it looks like "care in the community" hasn't really worked.

 

 

catman.JPG

What the fuck!?

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10 minutes ago, The XYY Man said:

How do you know I'm not him...?

Uhh huuhh hhhuuuhhhh..!!!

;)

 

XYY

It's the piss stains down yer trousers

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1 hour ago, The XYY Man said:

 

My favourite was an ex-army chap who used to patrol the local park in the early 70s, and any youths he found misbehaving, would be caned with his piece of bamboo. Total head-the-ball who was not employed by the park, he just saw this as his civic duty.

He became known as Corporal Punishment...

;)

 

XYY

Sgt. Hartman approves of this.

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Dave Wells - Bournemouth's favourite gangster. Used to own a dodgy backstreet garage selling roadworthy vehicles but is now a BTL king.

There was another bloke who went round dressed in a union jack suit who looked like a paedo... I think he turned out to be a paedo. Was at the England matches and stuff. Name escapes me now.

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^ He lives in Great Yarmouth and also 'busks' there (for want of a better word) as well as Norwich City Centre.

And there was 'Marigold' who I saw a few times in the early 1990s 'directing traffic', rest his soul.

Marigold

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About 20 years ago there was an 'odd' elderly couple, both in their 60s,  he wore a tea cosy on his head, whereas she would make amazingly complex but usually fatally flawed huge wooden toys which were auctioned off at the annual village charity bazaar. An example was a 3ft-long wooden fire engine, ideal to ride around on except there was nowhere to sit on it. I bought a wonderful dolls house, it looked years old, all wonky, not a straight wall in it, all done by eye I guess. Unique and full of character.

She was about 6ft 2, dressed in untidy clothes had hands like bunches of bananas and covered in nicotine stains. Everyone politely referred to her as 'Miss', though a more obvious TV could not be imagined. My father-in-law refused to believe 'she' was a man. Eventually 'she' died,and everyone was sooooo surprised when she turned out to be male....and left an estate worth about £3m.

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Everyone from Kendal knows about Frankie Cunnigham - an entertaining sweary drunk in the 1970s to early 90s. He had a book written about him: http://editthis.info/RHaworth/Frankie:_The_Alternative_Mayor

The story about the robbery is true, although I think he spent more like £20 on a couple of bottles of scotch. 

Edited by blobloblob

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5 hours ago, Ina said:

It's the piss stains down yer trousers

Well that's the quickest a new poster has convinced me they aren't all PS4 and Diet Pepsi.

Welcome to DOSBODs you cheeky cunt..!

;)

 

XYY

 

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I recall a local man who spent many of his days directing cars into spaces in a local no charge car park. He insisted on a fee! It's safe to name him as he's long dead, Mr Hannah. He used to pay his takings into the local bank I worked in. Not very tall, wore a flat cap and braces. When he talked it was difficult to decipher what he was saying. His savings account was very healthy I suspect people just paid up because it was easier!

Another one is still alive so I won't name him. He's a farmer who lives way out in the countryside. A very good speaker but not impeccably dressed. Think twine around his waist instead of a belt. One day at the bank he came on the phone and asked the manager to transfer a very large sum of money to another account not in his name. It didn't seem right so the police were called (back in the day when the police were available). It was an exciting day at the bank swarming with CID, phone tapping and updates about the situation. Turned out the farmer had been kidnapped, drugged and forced to phone the bank to transfer the money. It ended up with a high speed police chase on the a75,  the farmer was released and was ok and the perpetrators arrested and subsequently convicted. The farmer dined out for many years at burns suppers, various groups and private households to relate his kidnapping tale in his unique style xD

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Was a lady near where I grew up in her late 70s who used to say the most inappropriate things to young men, eg "i want to lick your arse crack" or ask to have your babies. I never really knew where she heard that kind of thing in the first place. Being young at the time it was hilarious. 

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There's a guy in Exeter who walks around with an extremely pronounced 'manc swagger' - you know the sort... back dead straight, almost leaning back, arms  swinging way out to the side. A bit like Liam Gallagher on steroids and acid.

for some reason whenever I walk by him, or anyone else with a spazzy walk, my body starts to copy them, perhaps in a strange type of sympathy gesture. It's like walking tourettes.

Another one in Exeter is the black granny prostitute with a massive afro and make-up applied by trowel. She was often seen sitting opposite south street KFC sitting on a bench with her legs wide open and no undergarments, which is why we nicknamed her 'bargain bucket'

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2 hours ago, davidg said:

Dave Wells - Bournemouth's favourite gangster. Used to own a dodgy backstreet garage selling roadworthy vehicles but is now a BTL king.

There was another bloke who went round dressed in a union jack suit who looked like a paedo... I think he turned out to be a paedo. Was at the England matches and stuff. Name escapes me now.

http://www.andyfoot.com/ken-baily.html

Covered erica roes tits. Cunt.

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36 minutes ago, spunko2010 said:

Was a lady near where I grew up in her late 70s who used to say the most inappropriate things to young men, eg "i want to lick your arse crack" or ask to have your babies. I never really knew where she heard that kind of thing in the first place. Being young at the time it was hilarious. 

One of Frankie's friends, Sadie, was exactly the same! As a 15 or so year old I found her hilarious - "I bet you lads all want to lick me out, don't you", and other similar banter.

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7 minutes ago, blobloblob said:

One of Frankie's friends, Sadie, was exactly the same! As a 15 or so year old I found her hilarious - "I bet you lads all want to lick me out, don't you", and other similar banter.

Katie Price?

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I used to commute down Kingsland Road into London on my motorbike. At 1 set of lights with a long red signal there was a big black woman, big booty, who would cross the road and do an amazing dance; stop in the middle, shake her ass, point at the waiting traffic. Saw her several times and always put a big smile on my face.

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