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The XYY Man

The make us laugh or fuck off thread

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Durham Police have an update for local clothes shops to watch-out for a shoplifter who is nicking loads of their products in order of size.

They have advised that he is still at large...

 

XYY

Edited by The XYY Man

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27 minutes ago, The XYY Man said:

Durham Police have an update for local clothes shops to watch-out for a shoplifter who is nicking loads of their products in order of size.

They have advised that he is still at large...

 

XYY

:D That has to be Eric Morecambe, you can almost hear his voice when reading it.

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1 minute ago, swissy_fit said:

:D That has to be Eric Morecambe, you can almost hear his voice when reading it.

:)

I rather had it down to one of the News items on "The Two Ronnies".

Same era though.

And it's good-night from him - and the play wot I wrote...!

;)

 

XYY

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I went to see a psychiatrist today - as lately, I have been constantly taking pictures of myself adjacent to a boiling kettle.

Apparently, I have selfie steam issues...

 

XYY

Edited by The XYY Man

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Letter from ASDA to a banned customer:

Dear Bobby Cornwall.

Please note the following reasons why you are now banned from ASDA Stores in Cornwalll. 
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. January 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. January 24: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. February 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in House Wares..... and watched what happened.
5. February 27: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" causing injury to other shoppers.
6. March 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor department and invited shoppers in if they would bring you sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. March 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help you?, you began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. April 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked your nose, and ate it.
9. April 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were situated.
10. May 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the theme tune from "Mission Impossible"
11. May 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICKME, PICK ME!"
13. May 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least: 
14. June 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

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Was at a pub-quiz in Newcastle tonight, and the question was: Popular card game - three and six letters.

Must admit that I scratched me head for ages, but couldn't think of the answer.

Well when the results come out later, the correct answer was given as Ice Hockey. WTF I thought, and so I immediately challenged it.

"Fucking Ice hockey - what kind of friggin' card game is that?" I shouted.

The quizmaster replied simply thus:

"Why it's the cardest game whar a knaa of bonnie lad"...!

;)

 

XYY

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6 minutes ago, One percent said:

Letter from ASDA to a banned customer:

Dear Bobby Cornwall.

Please note the following reasons why you are now banned from ASDA Stores in Cornwalll. 
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. January 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. January 24: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. February 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in House Wares..... and watched what happened.
5. February 27: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" causing injury to other shoppers.
6. March 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor department and invited shoppers in if they would bring you sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. March 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help you?, you began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. April 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked your nose, and ate it.
9. April 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were situated.
10. May 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the theme tune from "Mission Impossible"
11. May 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICKME, PICK ME!"
13. May 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least: 
14. June 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

 

I will raise you this 

 

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31 minutes ago, The XYY Man said:

Was at a pub-quiz in Newcastle tonight, and the question was: Popular card game - three and six letters.

Must admit that I scratched me head for ages, but couldn't think of the answer.

Well when the results come out later, the correct answer was given as Ice Hockey. WTF I thought, and so I immediately challenged it.

"Fucking Ice hockey - what kind of friggin' card game is that?" I shouted.

The quizmaster replied simply thus:

"Why it's the cardest game whar a knaa of bonnie lad"...!

;)

 

XYY

Can you translate that into English?

or Welsh, I don't mind.

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Just now, Byron said:

Can you translate that into English?

or Welsh, I don't mind.

No I can't mate.

You need to delve into these beautiful regional accents, and get to understand them for yourself - before they are consigned to history.

Like fucking Welsh...

;)

 

XYY

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i joined badoo 48 hours ago and there a 25% chance i might get stabbed to death or i get to fk a fatty with obviese mental health issues but im going for it for pure devilment,she makes me seem left wing has loads of pics of her on rightwing marches and racist stuff.she is a doorwoman gives it the old it takes a man to handle a real woman shit (fat) .im currently pointing out my credentials for being right wing are better than hers and told her im going to fuck her ,she has gone fking nuts ...i pointed out no real racist likes motown or northern soul but she had a meltdown and said all skinheads like it,i replyed im no skinhead and im from uttoxeter where there were realskinheads not pretend ones....this wont end well but its fking fun when your pissed....she asked what punk bands i liked i said the dead kenerdys she is like they are great the bass players black but i wont tell her yet i realy need to get a real hobby

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Bloke buys a cockney parrot and gets sick of it saying “I’m from London and I’m hard as fuck”  so, he puts a kestrel in its cage. 

Next mrning, he finds the kestrel dead and the parrot saying, “I’m from London and I’m hard as fuck”.

so, the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage.  Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. 

As he looks in the cage the parrot says, “had to take me coat off for that fecker”. 

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