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The XYY Man

The make us laugh or fuck off thread

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30 minutes ago, Wight Flight said:

Son received a personalised calendar from his girlfriend for Christmas. That I am not meant to see.

On one page the quote..

'What is the difference between a g spot and a golf ball?

(Redacted) will spend 5 minutes looking for a golf ball'

It amused me.

golf pro says to lady pupil - just hold the club like you would your husband's member, she then hits the ball 250 yards

golf pro then says - excellent, very good, now take the club out of your mouth

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Monkeys in the zoo having a natter. One monkey says to other monkey "It's nice of people to chuck bits of bread in for us but I ain't half sick of bread. Wish we could get something else." Other monkey replies "tell you what let's make toast it will still be basically bread but a nice change what do you think?" First monkey says great idea but how can we make toast?

"Easy - we'll put it under the gorilla."

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On 05/01/2019 at 01:04, The XYY Man said:

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees.

As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here pal..?'

The other lion says, 'Absolutely brilliant mate.'

'Today we had fish, chimps, and mushy bees.'...

;)

 

XYY

the new lion then says any gravy with the chimps ?

the other lion says don't be silly we're not northern monkeys

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Posted (edited)
On 05/01/2019 at 02:04, The XYY Man said:

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees.

As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here pal..?'

The other lion says, 'Absolutely brilliant mate.'

'Today we had fish, chimps, and mushy bees.'...

;)

 

XYY

A Hartlepool man starts his new job at the zoo.

A female gorilla is on heat but the males aren't interested. So the head keeper has an idea to pay a keeper to service the gorilla and set an example.

So he calls in the monkey-hanger.

"We need someone to shag the gorilla and encourage the males. You're just the man. Of course there'll be money involved."

"How much?".

"A thousand pounds."

The Hartlepool keeper thinks it over for a while before blurting "That's more than I can afford. But If I give you five hundred it's a deal.".

Edited by Fischer

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1 hour ago, Fischer said:

A Hartlepool man starts his new job at the zoo.

A female gorilla is on heat but the males aren't interested. So the head keeper has an idea to pay a keeper to service the gorilla and set an example.

So he calls in the monkey-hanger.

"We need someone to shag the gorilla and encourage the males. You're just the man. Of course there'll be money involved."

"How much?".

"A thousand pounds."

The Hartlepool keeper thinks it over for a while before blurting "That's more than I can afford. But If I give you five hundred it's a deal.".

you mean a monkey

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Posted (edited)

Went to Isle of Wight over Christmas. Let son drive.

Reminded him as we pulled off the ferry that they drive on the right.

I can look back and laugh now but it was a very scary first minute.

Lesson learned. Never assume knowledge.

Edited by Wight Flight

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On 09/01/2019 at 05:35, Libspero said:

Say what you like about paedophiles

at least they slow down through school zones..

I drove past a school last week and there was a sign outside, it said 'Slow Children'. Which I thought was very insensitive.

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Anecdotal.

Brother was asking his new squeeze if she had ever heard of Chas and Dave.

"I think so yeah" she said

"But I don't think I've ever seen it"

😀

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Urgent help required. Does anyone know where I can get hold of a load of cardboard boxes on really short notice? A woman I know of has to move house on Wednesday morning, and doesn’t have much time to prepare.

If anyone can help, could you please drop any boxes round at Theresa’s house? It’s 10 Downing Street, London, SW1A 2AA.

  looking for recommendations.

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