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Bossybabe

I’ve been abused.

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3 minutes ago, Bossybabe said:

The Times reports today that domestic abuse is about to be tackled. This may include: “financial abuse...and “forcing them into debt”. This is exactly what my alcoholic ex husband did to me. 

The debt consisted of spending all of our joint income I couldn’t hide on booze. I struggled to compensate, a struggle which propelled me to the top in my career.

Years after my divorce, when I sold the house, I discovered that he’d taken out a second mortgage on it without my knowledge, for which he must have forged my signature. It took me until 2013 to finally discharge that debt. 

Why am I posting this? Because I hid what was happening from family and friends. I coped alone. I never invited friends back to the house, afraid of what I’d find at home. 

No wonder I had a stroke. 9_9

Don’t be like me. If this (or worse) is happening to you, GET HELP!!!

Shit taking on the normal man's role in a relationship isn't it.

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I’m happier now than I’ve ever been since childhood. I did hang on too long, hoping he’d deal with his alcoholism. So if you’re in my position, take care of yourself. Don’t hang on hoping for change, get out for self preservation. 

1 minute ago, Hail the Tripod said:

Shit taking on the normal man's role in a relationship isn't it.

Not how I see it. Always expected to pay my way in marriage. Always worked full time and for the last ten years of marriage earned significantly more than my husband. 

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8 minutes ago, Carl Fimble said:

WTF?!

Men taking on enormous debt for shit they have no personal desire for in a futile attempt to keep their insatiable wives happy. Common to the point of being entirely normative, as far as I can tell.

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1 minute ago, Hail the Tripod said:

Men taking on enormous debt for shit they have no personal desire for in a futile attempt to keep their insatiable wives happy. Common to the point of being entirely normative, as far as I can tell.

Read Bossybabe's posts again.

Edited by Carl Fimble
Bossybabe's not her

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10 minutes ago, Hail the Tripod said:

Men taking on enormous debt for shit they have no personal desire for in a futile attempt to keep their insatiable wives happy. Common to the point of being entirely normative, as far as I can tell.

Only stupid men do that. 

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1 minute ago, Bossybabe said:

Only stupid men do that. 

Well ... thats spouses. Dont know whats under that stone til you get move in ...

As far a alchis - and addicts and gamblers -  go the n first step to recovery is not admitting you have a problem. Its normally running out of money, then running out of credit.

Id agree with tripod - from my pool of families economic abuse is 10x more likely to be women against men.

Bringing out this law with the intention of of empowering/helping women will backfire.

On the general scope of domestic abuse, when are they going o start properly looking into the number of babies and young children killed by women? They just don want to go there.

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1 hour ago, Hail the Tripod said:

Shit taking on the normal man's role in a relationship isn't it.

Not as tough as looking after young kids I'd say. Which is traditionally the woman's role.

I say, this isn't in the spirit of international women's Day is it?

 

 

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6 minutes ago, BigV said:

Not as tough as looking after young kids I'd say. Which is traditionally the woman's role.

I say, this isn't in the spirit of international women's Day is it?

 

 

Your mileage may vary.

I see the following much more than I see men abusing women -

Couple split up. Women gets house, benefits and kids.

Either new partner moves in, under 16 kid move in with Dad.

Or -- kid reaches 18, benefits stop, mum kicks kid out who goes to live with Dad.

Couples splitting with young (under 5) is still rare - but not as rare as it used to be. Splitting up with kids that age is a total fuckup

In all cases I know of, both mum + dad ought to be sterilised and kids put in foster care.

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Just now, BigV said:

Not as tough as looking after young kids I'd say. Which is traditionally the woman's role.

I say, this isn't in the spirit of international women's Day is it?

As a man who does most of the childcare for two kids, I have to say i'm wholly unconvinced on that. While there are certainly times it can be wearing, mostly it's really enjoyable.

It just grates on me that so many men I know are losing access to their kids simply because they don't provide enough of a financial surplus to extremely comfortably off women with the full backing of the law. Bossybabe's situation aside, for which I certainly do have sympathy, this legislation sounds likely to actually be used to make any attempt to reign in women's reckless spending legally actionable.

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6 minutes ago, BigV said:

Not as tough as looking after young kids I'd say. Which is traditionally the woman's role.

I say, this isn't in the spirit of international women's Day is it?

 

 

Looking after young kids is dead easy if you're well suited to it, and utterly shit if you're not.  So women and men IMO should give it a try before having kids instead of assuming they want them or just having some because their friends have them or whatever.

And no, HTT is being a bit grouchy as BossyBabe's situation isn't really the same as the usual marital financial disaster for the man.

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2 minutes ago, Hail the Tripod said:

As a man who does most of the childcare for two kids, I have to say i'm wholly unconvinced on that. While there are certainly times it can be wearing, mostly it's really enjoyable.

It just grates on me that so many men I know are losing access to their kids simply because they don't provide enough of a financial surplus to extremely comfortably off women with the full backing of the law. Bossybabe's situation aside, for which I certainly do have sympathy, this legislation sounds likely to actually be used to make any attempt to reign in women's reckless spending legally actionable.

Yep. Marriage is going to become something that men simply will not do unless the woman is of equal financial standing (and then in the majority of cases she won't want him). 

 

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5 minutes ago, Hail the Tripod said:

As a man who does most of the childcare for two kids, I have to say i'm wholly unconvinced on that. While there are certainly times it can be wearing, mostly it's really enjoyable.

It just grates on me that so many men I know are losing access to their kids simply because they don't provide enough of a financial surplus to extremely comfortably off women with the full backing of the law. Bossybabe's situation aside, for which I certainly do have sympathy, this legislation sounds likely to actually be used to make any attempt to reign in women's reckless spending legally actionable.

Fair enough.  I didn’t get the chance to “spend recklessly“. Nor do I wish to. 

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1 hour ago, Bossybabe said:

The Times reports today that domestic abuse is about to be tackled. This may include: “financial abuse...and “forcing them into debt”. This is exactly what my alcoholic ex husband did to me. 

The debt consisted of spending all of our joint income I couldn’t hide on booze. I struggled to compensate, a struggle which propelled me to the top in my career.

Years after my divorce, when I sold the house, I discovered that he’d taken out a second mortgage on it without my knowledge, for which he must have forged my signature. It took me until 2013 to finally discharge that debt. 

Why am I posting this? Because I hid what was happening from family and friends. I coped alone. I never invited friends back to the house, afraid of what I’d find at home. 

No wonder I had a stroke. 9_9

Don’t be like me. If this (or worse) is happening to you, GET HELP!!!

Bossybabe, you were dealt a bad hand. Well done for dealing with it successfully and not ending up bitter and twisted.

Joint accounts are a really bad idea and facilitate this sort of abuse. Avoid. If pushed to accept, run.

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Just now, NTB said:

 

Bossybabe, you were dealt a bad hand. Well done for dealing with it successfully and not ending up bitter and twisted.

Joint accounts are a really bad idea and facilitate this sort of abuse. Avoid. If pushed to accept, run.

A joint account would have led to my bankruptcy years ago.

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10 minutes ago, Hail the Tripod said:

Her money is hers, yours is for sharing. Currently a widely held belief, soon to be law.

 

As we say in Yorkshire, “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is me own. :)

Edited by One percent
Crapple

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8 minutes ago, swissy_fit said:

HTT is being a bit grouchy

True enough. Quite a good friend is out on his arse after 20 years of marriage. She has always been a profligate spender. He had a really good job, but was made redundant last year. Hasn't found a decent job, but swallowed his pride and has been working night shifts at Sainsbury stacking shelves to bring in money while searching for something better. She "has given him 9 months to get his act together, but can't support him forever", apparently. It would certainly be easier if they had savings rather than debts from the good years, and while he's not blameless, she was the spendaholic. Two kids, both pre-teen.

Women financially abuse men all the time, and I'll bet this legislation will exacerbate that dynamic rather than ameliorate it.

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2 minutes ago, swissy_fit said:

A joint account would have led to my bankruptcy years ago.

Yep. I made clear a number of ground rules before getting married. Having no joint account was one of them. Having a room essentially off limits was another. We're still happily married.

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5 minutes ago, Hail the Tripod said:

True enough. Quite a good friend is out on his arse after 20 years of marriage. She has always been a profligate spender. He had a really good job, but was made redundant last year. Hasn't found a decent job, but swallowed his pride and has been working night shifts at Sainsbury stacking shelves to bring in money while searching for something better. She "has given him 9 months to get his act together, but can't support him forever", apparently. It would certainly be easier if they had savings rather than debts from the good years, and while he's not blameless, she was the spendaholic. Two kids, both pre-teen.

Women financially abuse men all the time, and I'll bet this legislation will exacerbate that dynamic rather than ameliorate it.

He's probably just desperate not to be under the same roof as her, she'll be making his life a living hell and unknowingly reducing the chances of him getting a decent job.  Briffault's Law in action.

 

When will it be generally understood that the law must be designed as far as possible to prevent people, men or women, from behaving like shits?

If you make it possible for them to take advantage of others without mercy, some will do so, and then others will follow. It's the way humans are. We need robot overseers....

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29 minutes ago, Hail the Tripod said:

Her money is hers, yours is for sharing. Currently a widely held belief, soon to be law.

 

Several people (actually may have just been my mother many many times) think its wrong that myself and my GF of 6+ years don't have a joint account. I just tell them it works for us and its none of their business.

I know several couples where one blames the other for their overspending and inability to save. If they didn't have a joint account it would be obvious who was the culprit (or if both were equally responsible).

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