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steppensheep

Family Saga

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A family story. My mum is reasonably comfortably off. Her pension isn't much, but she spends even less. Probably has a surplus of a few grand per year. She has a house and savings, so the family will inherit.

 

She always offers to pay our fares when we visit (in part, because she never visits any of us, so she never incurrs fares herself.). I always refuse. My sisters always accept. None of us siblings are struggling with money. Fares are minimum of ~100 quid per person.

 

In principle it doesn't bother me, and I accept that rationally, I am the one being awkward. It's just that sometimes they seem to be so mercanary, I find it hard not to think bad of them.

 

What do you think?

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If they have no money problems then your sisters should be paying it; otherwise it boils down to your mother paying people to visit her.

WIth my siblings, taking your example as a proxy, then two of us could pay but one doesn't and one can't realsitically pay. 

My parents do resent that the one who can pay but doesn't and there is the odd comment.

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5 minutes ago, Frank Hovis said:

.. otherwise it boils down to your mother paying people to visit her.

 

3 minutes ago, The Masked Tulip said:

Don't underestimate the important to your Mum of being able to do something for her children...

 

Both of these are true, I suppose I have to try and judge which is most improtant.

 

3 minutes ago, The Masked Tulip said:

Now go and look in a mirror and tell yourself that you are a good son. You are :)

ha, ha, now I am so pleased I posted I posted this. I will probably ruin it by posting some more mean comments about my siblings later.

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32 minutes ago, steppensheep said:

In principle it doesn't bother me, and I accept that rationally, I am the one being awkward. It's just that sometimes they seem to be so mercanary, I find it hard not to think bad of them.

 

What do you think?

Depends really, I think you are doing what you consider is generous, however it maybe that your refusal to accept bothers your mother than your sisters accepting. 

You say she has surplus cash so I'd say feel free to accept or reject it, but don't look to badly on those that accept because they might be doing so as much to not offend your mother, like TMT has said because it's wrapped up in your mothers parenting instinct.

 

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Never underestimate the greed of siblings. Mine bled my mother dry, taking thousands off her over the years.  

I never resented it or said anything as it was her money to do as she wished with.  However, three years on from her passing the estate is still to be settled, thanks to sibling's belligerence and greed. 

Just keep you eyes wide open and yes, praise yourself for being a good son.  Don't try and interfere but be aware of what might be coming 

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47 minutes ago, steppensheep said:

A family story. My mum is reasonably comfortably off. Her pension isn't much, but she spends even less. Probably has a surplus of a few grand per year. She has a house and savings, so the family will inherit.

 

She always offers to pay our fares when we visit (in part, because she never visits any of us, so she never incurrs fares herself.). I always refuse. My sisters always accept. None of us siblings are struggling with money. Fares are minimum of ~100 quid per person.

 

In principle it doesn't bother me, and I accept that rationally, I am the one being awkward. It's just that sometimes they seem to be so mercanary, I find it hard not to think bad of them.

 

What do you think?

Not exactly Beowulf.

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I no longer speak to my brother due to his dishonesty and deception he and his wife have cheated my Dad out of thousands of pounds.

They always tried to make out that I was some kind of money grabber as I used to do lots of overtime to buy a house and save for my future.

It turns out I was the Mug for trying to do the right thing as they ended up with the same as me by conning my Dad.

Always be wary of siblings that say that money doesn't interest them as in my experience they are the greediest and most duplicitous people you can meet.

Its best just to rise above such nonsense and leave them to it. 

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If your mum offers, I'd accept. As TMT said, most parents like to feel they can help their children.

My mother always covers my diesel (about £70) and I always feel guilty as I wonder if she thinks i wouldn't visit if she didn't pay.  But it's not that reason. She has more money than she needs and she likes to pay,

and of course she can then always say "Tommy, I would't have given you your diesel money if I thought you weren't going to do X Y or Z for me" xD

Edited by Hopeful

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My problem is similar but different.

To visit my mum requires about £3.5k for the family. She is in Florida and we can only visit at Christmas so flights are stupid expensive.

She married very well after my Dad died so whilst I don't know her actual finances I don't think she is short of a bob or three.

First year we went was because she offered to pay for the flights. But I ended up paying for it in more ways than one - because she had paid she expected to be able to call all the shots - and it was awkward if we wanted to do something expensive (visit the theme parks etc) because it was almost like 'why did you take my money if you can afford that?

However, our flights were delayed 48 hours coming home so I got a decent enough credit of BA to pay for the next year's flights.

Last year I paid. But I can only really take a few days in her company so we ended up doing lots of other stuff. Total bill was over £7k, and I still didn't have a good time and actually resent the cost (the kids enjoyed themselves though)

I am not going this year. It doesn't matter if she pays or not.

I may send the kids over on their own in October as the flights are a lot cheaper and they still (sort of) like her.

To add - we all love the guy she married!


 

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27 minutes ago, gilf said:

Depends really, I think you are doing what you consider is generous...

 

I don't think I am really generous, because none of us is seriously short of money, and utimately it's either pay now and get it back as inheritance, or get reimbursed by mummy, and the inheritance is reduced.  It's a bit like aruing about the bill at the restaurant, but on a grander scale. I just prefer to take the swings and roundabouts. Also,  It just seems more faff. She has to write a cheque, I have to send it to the bank.

It is true that my mum does like looking after us, but I'm also confident I am not offending her. I think she also likes that I refuse. We have a pretty good relationship. In fact, one of the problems is, I think she sometimes says to the others "Steppy's the only one who doesn't accept my money" so then they feel awkward.

 

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I will let older relatives pay for stuff if they offer and it seems reasonable, and I'll pay for my kids stuff until I can't afford it, or it seems more reasonable for them to pay their own way.

Claiming back expenses to go and see them seems to me to be going a bit far, but all my relatives live local so it's never come up. 

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56 minutes ago, spygirl said:

Not exactly Beowulf.

xD

My thoughts exactly. Chill, really this is small potatoes, and good relations with all is important. If it bothers you that much, take the money, your Mum won't mind, she wants to see you and she wants to see you happy about every aspect of visiting her.

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42 minutes ago, steppensheep said:

I don't think I am really generous, because none of us is seriously short of money, and utimately it's either pay now and get it back as inheritance, or get reimbursed by mummy, and the inheritance is reduced.  It's a bit like aruing about the bill at the restaurant, but on a grander scale. I just prefer to take the swings and roundabouts. Also,  It just seems more faff. She has to write a cheque, I have to send it to the bank.

It is true that my mum does like looking after us, but I'm also confident I am not offending her. I think she also likes that I refuse. We have a pretty good relationship. In fact, one of the problems is, I think she sometimes says to the others "Steppy's the only one who doesn't accept my money" so then they feel awkward.

 

Poor choice of word on my part, I meant more in terms of generous of spirit. 

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My in laws live in Hong Kong. My father in law always pays for our kids tickets to go visit him, and my wife pays for her own (as do I when I go). We could afford to pay the whole lot, but it would become that bit more onerous to go every year, and we'd probably cut it to every other year.  

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I earn several multiples more than my siblings but I expect them to pay their way when we're out, or at least to offer and then be rebuffed by me. If they don't offer to pay their percent then I make them pay it. Maybe try that?

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I'd say don't feel bad,  your mother is probably just trying to help.  She may not want/need the money and may be trying to give you something under the radar knowing the tax-man will only take a cut if she leaves it in her estate.

If you feel bad taking it perhaps suggest she contributes it to you kids (if you have any) for their saving funds etc instead?

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10 hours ago, steppensheep said:

A family story. My mum is reasonably comfortably off. Her pension isn't much, but she spends even less. Probably has a surplus of a few grand per year. She has a house and savings, so the family will inherit.

 

She always offers to pay our fares when we visit (in part, because she never visits any of us, so she never incurrs fares herself.). I always refuse. My sisters always accept. None of us siblings are struggling with money. Fares are minimum of ~100 quid per person.

 

In principle it doesn't bother me, and I accept that rationally, I am the one being awkward. It's just that sometimes they seem to be so mercanary, I find it hard not to think bad of them.

 

What do you think?

How do you know your sisters are not struggling with money? It could be that they are in debt up to their eyeballs. If you personally have no money problems, stop fucking worrying - enjoy your life. And stop poisoning your mind with shit thoughts.

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20 minutes ago, Tabasco Kid said:

How do you know your sisters are not struggling with money? It could be that they are in debt up to their eyeballs. If you personally have no money problems, stop fucking worrying - enjoy your life. And stop poisoning your mind with shit thoughts.

This. It's so easy to do, and so easy not to do. I love my brothers and sisters, but I don't demand that they are perfect, because I'm not.

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10 hours ago, One percent said:

Never underestimate the greed of siblings. Mine bled my mother dry, taking thousands off her over the years.  

I never resented it or said anything as it was her money to do as she wished with.  However, three years on from her passing the estate is still to be settled, thanks to sibling's belligerence and greed. 

Just keep you eyes wide open and yes, praise yourself for being a good son.  Don't try and interfere but be aware of what might be coming 

The greed of siblings, or greed in general when it comes to inheritance, I've seen some disgusting stuff, people with plenty, more than plenty screwing over their proper poor siblings who are not as smart, or are meek. Money makes people behave in disgusting ways, especially the types who no matter how much they have, it is never enough

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