By the gardener
Well I've just spent my Sunday buggering about with a roller garage door. This was occasioned by my wife failing to FUCKING LISTEN to simple instructions. Having had to travel home from work on three occasions to unjam/release/otherwise fix the knackered roller shutter on our garage I have given her strict instructions to ALWAYS watch the door opening/closing in case it sticks etc. This I do ALL THE TIME, not because I'm some kind of autistic fucking Rain Man who likes to watch roller shutters operating but because it's an old bit of machinery that is prone to sticking. The consequences of fucking off after having pressed the open/close button and letting the motor push/pull against a stuck/obstructed door are that the tubular motor will FUCKING BREAK YOU STUPID WOMAN! THAT'S WHY I STAND THERE LIKE A FUCKING LEMON WATCHING THE FUCKING THING UNTIL IT STOPS! ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
The stupid part of the design is that the manual opening mechanism operated by a handle which drives a metal toothed gear (quality - not plastic rubbish) unfortunately only serves to turn axle via the motor itself. Since something internal to the tubular motor is fucked beyond recognition - I'm guessing there's another cog inside somewhere with teeth more utterly fucked than Shane McGowan's, the result is that as soon as a load is applied the motor just spins uselessly. Why oh why not have a cog on the outside of the axle that is turned by the crank handle, i.e bypassing the motor entirely. No that would be too easy.
The upshot of this is that my brand new shiny rotavator is stuck behind this garage door. My only option is to take it out via the kitchen, hallway and front door. It has a transport wheel but weighs over 55 kg. Also I shudder to think what kind of awful fucking mess it is going to make of my brand new engineered wood floor in my hallway, which incidently still doesn't have door threshold trims or skirting boards fitted. That would be because I've been fucking spending all day cocking about with trying to get the garage door closed (it was stuck open proudly displaying all my shiny new machinery to every pikey in the neighbourhood) and then removing the slats, axle and motor followed by a couple of hours researching on the web for a suitable replacement motor.
None of what I did today regarding the garage door was necessary.
I have also failed to go to the gym as planned.
I will be going to the pub tonight. Woe betide that wife of mine if she dares to even look slightly disapproving when I leave for my unwinding pub trip later.
By One percent
A 78-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of murder after a suspected burglar was stabbed to death.
The homeowner discovered two intruders in Further Green Road, Hither Green, south-east London, at about 00:45 BST.
One suspect, armed with a screwdriver, forced the man into his kitchen where a struggle ensued and he was stabbed, Scotland Yard said.
The 38-year-old was taken to hospital by paramedics but was pronounced dead at 03:40.
The pensioner, who suffered bruising to his arms, has been arrested on suspicion of murder.
Bonkers. So, a couple of local scroates break into an elderly person's home in the middle of the night. they come tooled up with a screwdriver and force him into his kitchen where presumably, the elderly man grabs a kitchen knife with which to defend himself. A scrote gets stabbed and dies.
The elderly man is charged with murder
I thought that murder had to be premeditated?
By One percent
Game shows regularly run celebrity charity editions where famous faces compete to win money for their chosen cause.
However it claimed that the celebrity contestants who appeared on the ITV show Catchphrase are thought to have been paid up to £5,000.
Household names such as Jonathan Ross, Catherine Tyldesley and Jimmy Carr were allegedly paid for taking part in a celebrity versions of the programme.
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