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Bossybabe

Divorce and bereavement.

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Posted (edited)

My ex husband, divorced 20 years ago, is dying. They’ve started withholding treatment this afternoon as it’s end stage liver cancer. My son is up in Scotland with him, his stepmother and step siblings and his aunt and uncle. He’s unresponsive.

I divorced him because I couldn’t put up with the alcoholism any longer. 

So why have I been weepy since I heard this afternoon?

Has anyone else experienced this?  I thought I was so over him 20 years ago. This has taken me completely by surprise.  

 

Edited by Bossybabe

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you have a son together. that's enough reason to cry.

 

i am aware that my ex husband and father of my child will also probably die before me and probably alcohol related. 

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Grief is odd like that.

As a child I was upset for days when my cat died.  I hated that cat..  I couldn't work out why it upset me so much.

When my grandad died,  I felt almost happy inside,  like he was watching over me now.  But it felt odd that I didn't feel sad..  and certainly didn't get emotional like when that stupid cat died.

 

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6 minutes ago, sarahbell said:

you have a son together. that's enough reason to cry.

 

i am aware that my ex husband and father of my child will also probably die before me and probably alcohol related. 

Sorry to hear that, SB. 

4 minutes ago, Cunning Plan said:

No. But I guess you fall in love with the good bits and divorce for the bad bits. It isn't really surprising that you mourn the loss of the good person you once loved. This is I would think especially true of an alcoholic because it was an illness that created the bad bits, rather than them being a bad person.

He wasn’t a bad person, true, at least to everyone else. I’ve been having flashbacks to the days when we were happy, many, many years ago. 

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1 minute ago, Bossybabe said:

He wasn’t a bad person, true, at least to everyone else. I’ve been having flashbacks to the days when we were happy, many, many years ago. 

This is how grief works. If there were no good bits you'd feel a lot less crappy. 

It's natural and you're allowed. Give yourself permission to grieve. Some of it for him as you remember and perhaps some for the life you would have had it alcohol hadn't been there.

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1 minute ago, sarahbell said:

This is how grief works. If there were no good bits you'd feel a lot less crappy. 

It's natural and you're allowed. Give yourself permission to grieve. Some of it for him as you remember and perhaps some for the life you would have had it alcohol hadn't been there.

True. Thank you. 

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Posted (edited)

Grief for the future you thought you once had with him?

Nice you are still able to feel emotion about his (probably self-inflicted) early demise as none of us is perfect/can judge and he's dying which is still sad?

You got out (of the relationship) to save yourself (and your son?) from his addiction. Totally fair. (Well done.) But guess it would have much better if he hadn't been on a self-destruction mission.

Edited by whocares

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I think that if you are a loving, empathetic person that when you truly love someone a part of you will always love them no matter what they may have done to cause you hurt.

It is more about your own love which, if genuine, is almost as if you are mourning for yourself and the love you gave out.

I am sorry to hear you feel this way @Bossybabe

 

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Posted (edited)

The brain is weird, it’s not a simple logical thing but more a mass of seething contradictions and emotions. You liked the guy and married him but then didn’t like his alcoholism (totally understandable) so divorced him. Some of those seething contradictions are making themselves felt, it’s only human. Feel glad that you’re touched by his death, it proves that you’re alive (and not a sociopath) and that he wasn’t all bad.

Edited by TheBlueCat
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I can't remember where I heard so I'm not claiming it as fact, though it is a nice theory, that every time you remember something you actually recreate or relive it and usually change it slightly because you are recreating it.

This means that cherished memories do actually get better with time as each time you recall then you give them a little polish.

So very good memories of a long time ago acquire a golden tint and anyone who is part of that memory gets it by association.

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15 hours ago, stokiescum said:

correct,when my dad died i didnt bat an eyelid.i remember being told by the dr that his liver cancer was terminal my sisters and mum were distruat.he asked for the females to go in first he had only just been told himself.then i went in sat next to him and he said well whats the virdict,i simply said well your fucked .he looked at me and smiled and said at last someones talking sense.then he said they say i cant leave until tommorow i pointed to a wheelchair and said shall i get the car.i was with him when he died 7 months later his only complain was that he had never had a penny of his state pension he was 64,he hung on in part i think determined to get  some of it he managed to get a few weeks of it.

my son died at 12 and it came sudenly and in his bed but we had been told he would not make it past 2 ,but again no tears when i arrived to see him in bed,at the hospice or at the funeral.

now when i was 21 my best friend died and i was gutted for weeks,i used to go sit next to his grave at 3 in the morning after a bender and take him a cider.my eldest sons named after him and when his parents are both dead i will probably end up looking after his grave he was 18.

yes its very strange indeed.

 

Very strange.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through the nightmare of losing a child.

My cousin died at age 10 when I was pregnant - just two weeks from delivering my son. I cried for days. Literally. 

13 hours ago, The Masked Tulip said:

I think that if you are a loving, empathetic person that when you truly love someone a part of you will always love them no matter what they may have done to cause you hurt.

It is more about your own love which, if genuine, is almost as if you are mourning for yourself and the love you gave out.

I am sorry to hear you feel this way @Bossybabe

 

Thank you. 

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7 hours ago, Frank Hovis said:

I can't remember where I heard so I'm not claiming it as fact, though it is a nice theory, that every time you remember something you actually recreate or relive it and usually change it slightly because you are recreating it.

This means that cherished memories do actually get better with time as each time you recall then you give them a little polish.

So very good memories of a long time ago acquire a golden tint and anyone who is part of that memory gets it by association.

Worse than I remember? Perhaps not. Memory is bad enough though it’s had years to fade. 

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14 hours ago, TheBlueCat said:

The brain is weird, it’s not a simple logical thing but more a mass of seething contradictions and emotions. You liked the guy and married him but then didn’t like his alcoholism (totally understandable) so divorced him. Some of those seething contradictions are making themselves felt, it’s only human. Feel glad that you’re touched by his death, it proves that you’re alive (and not a sociopath) and that he wasn’t all bad.

My brain is certainly weird. 

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