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Sgt Hartman

Mate being a dick?

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A question for the DOSBODS massive regarding an old mate of mine. I've got the arse with him and I'd like to know if I'm justified.

Basically I've known the bloke for around 20 years since school and he was one of my two best men. He lives down south and whenever I head down I'll give him a shout to catch up. 

The last time I saw him was over a year ago, when he came up for dinner with some other mates, all fine and good. Since then he's become very distant and if I send him a text about catching up, I get literally no response. He will, however send me the occasional text about some laddery that he's been up to. I'll respond in kind but as soon as beers are mentioned...gone.

I went down south with the family to catch up with a mutual friend who lives 15 minutes away from him. He bailed out at the last minute for no reason and didn't respond to any texts or calls which we resoundly condemned as a fucking poor show. My other mutual friend said he did it all the time and was becoming fed up with him.

Fast forward to last weekend. I told him two months in advance that I'd be down at the same mates house and it would  be good to catch up. No response. My other mate had more luck and it was arranged we all meet for a BBQ. Lo and behold matey bins it off half an hour before we are due to meet, mutual mate is furious.

The next day we got a text at around four saying to swing by as him and some other blokes are finishing up a BBQ and we can swing by if we want. Not feeling particularly charitable after being fucked off for the second time after driving six hours I made my excuses. Well, he lives fifteen minutes away for fucks sake, I've driven half the country. 

We're all big boys and I know you can't always make it for a beer but it's the lack of reasons and ignoring calls etc. thats pissing me off.

 

Anyway I'm annoyed. Do I -

1) He's a mate, it's what mates do and carry on as usual.

2) Fuck him off for being an insolent arse.

3) Have a word.

4) Nut up and stop being such a big lesbian.

 

For what it's worth, the mutual mate who has known him for the same amount of time (and chose him to be godfather of his kids) has had enough and sacked him off. There's a bit more but that's the general bones of it.

AIBU DOSBODS, AIBU?

 

 

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Forget him unless he comes chasing you. It could be there's something going on in his life e.g. depression would lead to this behaviour as could being henpecked but best to let it go.

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1 minute ago, One percent said:

Going on what you have said, Sounds like depression to me. What you do with this depends on how good a mate you are, without being harsh. 

Except that old mate was socialising with other mates at another BBQ and Sarg was inviting over so I think he's just being an arse.

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Are you the kind of wanker that bangs on about how much you are making out of your btl properties, propriety flipping, tax avoidance, how much money you have and how your kids are just geniuses at everything?

If so, you are my ex best mate and that is why I actually nodded off last time we went for a curry and why I haven't returned your calls since.

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TBH I find keeping up with old mates hard work and tend to just move on. Can often be fine until there's some disturbance in the equililibrium ie new wife, girlfriend or some significant income inequality.

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3 minutes ago, Dipsy said:

Except that old mate was socialising with other mates at another BBQ and Sarg was inviting over so I think he's just being an arse.

So he said.  Maybe he was trying to look as if he had a wide circle of friends. If sarge had rocked up, he might have found the elderly neighbours from next door?  

I don't know but cutting yourself off from mates is a sign of depression 

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3 minutes ago, Cunning Plan said:

Are you the kind of wanker that bangs on about how much you are making out of your btl properties, propriety flipping, tax avoidance, how much money you have and how your kids are just geniuses at everything?

If so, you are my ex best mate and that is why I actually nodded off last time we went for a curry and why I haven't returned your calls since.

I always find it strange that despite, in most cases, kids' intelligence is generally an aggregate of the parents, weighted towards the mother, so many people, I know, have child geniuses on their hands. Also although, seemingly being the case, there have been so many future Isaac Newtons, for what seems like decades, science has pretty much stagnated in recent years.

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He could have lots of crap going on in his life. Someone mentioned depression. Could be some other illness or illness of someone close to him. Could be his wife hates you. Could be that divorce is on his mind. Or he has job issues. Or a 1001 other things.

You can beat yourself up angsting over what it is. I would just give him time.

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2 minutes ago, SNACR said:

I always find it strange that despite, in most cases, kids' intelligence is generally an aggregate of the parents, weighted towards the mother, so many people, I know, have child geniuses on their hands. Also although, seemingly being the case, there have been so many future Isaac Newtons, for what seems like decades, science has pretty much stagnated in recent years.

Going OT but I disagree. My eldest, pancake, takes after his mum in many ways but the youngest is so much like me that I get him but his mother really doesn't.

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10 minutes ago, One percent said:

So he said.  Maybe he was trying to look as if he had a wide circle of friends. If sarge had rocked up, he might have found the elderly neighbours from next door?  

I don't know but cutting yourself off from mates is a sign of depression 

Spoiler
10 minutes ago, One percent said:

So he said.  Maybe he was trying to look as if he had a wide circle of friends. If sarge had rocked up, he might have found the elderly neighbours from next door?  

I don't know but cutting yourself off from mates is a sign of depression 

 

Given the beer thing he's visiting the local mosque and has been recruited by ISIS for a suicide bombing?

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5 minutes ago, Cunning Plan said:

Going OT but I disagree. My eldest, pancake, takes after his mum in many ways but the youngest is so much like me that I get him but his mother really doesn't.

That sounds like personality more than intelligence.

I get endless people I know, moaning about the amount they've spent on their kids' private education only for them to get much worse exam results, than they did. I usually think, but don't reply, 'well if you hadn't married your bottle blonde dolly bird secretary then they probably wouldn't have been so thick. FFS'

Edited by SNACR

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1 minute ago, SNACR said:

That sounds like personality more than intelligence.

I get endless people I know, moaning about the amount they've spent on their kids' private education only for them to get much worse exam results, than they did. I usually think, but don't reply, 'well if you hadn't married your bottle blonde dolly bird secretary then they probably wouldn't have been so thick.

Harsh 

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1 minute ago, SNACR said:

That sounds like personality more than intelligence.

I get endless people I know, moaning about the amount they've spent on their kids' private education only for them to get much worse exam results, than they did. I usually think, but don't reply, 'well if you hadn't married your bottle blonde dolly bird secretary then they probably wouldn't have been so thick.

I see it as aptitude rather than intelligence. 

There is a subtle but very important difference.

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23 minutes ago, One percent said:

Going on what you have said, Sounds like depression to me. What you do with this depends on how good a mate you are, without being harsh. 

That 

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Set him free. 
If he comes back then he is a true friend and if he doesn't he was never yours to start with.

I've got a (now ex-) friend who seems to have taken sufficient drugs (sharing with her child and husband) to have tipped her into proper loonacy. 
Fuck 'em. Life's too short to let people burn you.

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Let them go, no question.

I don't break arrangements but I have quietly let friends go by never firming them up because you're too different these days for meeting up to be enjoyable.

Getting married and having kids seems to be the dividing point; it really changed some mates to the point where I woudl come up with any excuse to avoid them but others were still themselves and its the latter I've kept in touch with.

 

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11 minutes ago, SNACR said:

That sounds like personality more than intelligence.

I get endless people I know, moaning about the amount they've spent on their kids' private education only for them to get much worse exam results, than they did. I usually think, but don't reply, 'well if you hadn't married your bottle blonde dolly bird secretary then they probably wouldn't have been so thick.

Hmm. Ouch, really wish you hadn't said that.

My daughter is not as bright as me(so far anyway, however if she's a hard worker later in education that might get cancelled out a bit as I am a a typical lazy IT bloke).

However she is far more beautiful, sociable and popular than either Dad or Mum. Difficult to win them all!

 

35 minutes ago, Sgt Hartman said:

A question for the DOSBODS massive regarding an old mate of mine. I've got the arse with him and I'd like to know if I'm justified.

Basically I've known the bloke for around 20 years since school and he was one of my two best men. He lives down south and whenever I head down I'll give him a shout to catch up. 

The last time I saw him was over a year ago, when he came up for dinner with some other mates, all fine and good. Since then he's become very distant and if I send him a text about catching up, I get literally no response. He will, however send me the occasional text about some laddery that he's been up to. I'll respond in kind but as soon as beers are mentioned...gone.

I went down south with the family to catch up with a mutual friend who lives 15 minutes away from him. He bailed out at the last minute for no reason and didn't respond to any texts or calls which we resoundly condemned as a fucking poor show. My other mutual friend said he did it all the time and was becoming fed up with him.

Fast forward to last weekend. I told him two months in advance that I'd be down at the same mates house and it would  be good to catch up. No response. My other mate had more luck and it was arranged we all meet for a BBQ. Lo and behold matey bins it off half an hour before we are due to meet, mutual mate is furious.

The next day we got a text at around four saying to swing by as him and some other blokes are finishing up a BBQ and we can swing by if we want. Not feeling particularly charitable after being fucked off for the second time after driving six hours I made my excuses. Well, he lives fifteen minutes away for fucks sake, I've driven half the country. 

We're all big boys and I know you can't always make it for a beer but it's the lack of reasons and ignoring calls etc. thats pissing me off.

 

Anyway I'm annoyed. Do I -

1) He's a mate, it's what mates do and carry on as usual.

2) Fuck him off for being an insolent arse.

3) Have a word.

4) Nut up and stop being such a big lesbian.

 

For what it's worth, the mutual mate who has known him for the same amount of time (and chose him to be godfather of his kids) has had enough and sacked him off. There's a bit more but that's the general bones of it.

AIBU DOSBODS, AIBU?

 

 

Seems very simple to me. Tell him you'd like to see him, you value the old friendship, but not if he is going to be a cunt(a short explanation of his cuntishness at this point), and to give you a call if/when he feels like not being a cunt. If he doesn't call, bit sad but at least you're not going to get f*cked around again.

Edited by swissy_fit
finishing

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I always go option 2 with anyone who acts like that. Don't need the hassle of being jerked around. 

Once a school friend was a no show on a night out. Gave us all excuses the next day only to find out he'd gone out with a different group. He had previous but I don't tolerate that bullshit, moreso the dishonesty when covering it up. 

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8 minutes ago, One percent said:

Going on what you have said, Sounds like depression to me. What you do with this depends on how good a mate you are, without being harsh. 

My mate was exactly the same. It could be depression. After 4 years thinking my mate was a dick too and after a long pause I knocked on his door and am so glad that I did. Friend for life that one.

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30 minutes ago, Cunning Plan said:

Are you the kind of wanker that bangs on about how much you are making out of your btl properties, propriety flipping, tax avoidance, how much money you have and how your kids are just geniuses at everything?

If so, you are my ex best mate and that is why I actually nodded off last time we went for a curry and why I haven't returned your calls since.

:D:D

Christ no. To be honest the last thing I want to talk about when I'm out for a beer is my kids or anyone else's for that matter. My week and weekends revolve around bloody children and their varied and expensive activities, fucked if I want to reflect over it in the pub.

No btls to flip, haven't got enough to brag about and my kids are geniuses mostly at destroying my house. If they are future rocket scientists they are hiding their talents under a bushel for the time being.

36 minutes ago, One percent said:

Going on what you have said, Sounds like depression to me. What you do with this depends on how good a mate you are, without being harsh. 

A fair shout and one that I did consider however he has another group of mates who are very 'wolfpack' shall we say and his activities with those lads hasn't diminished. In fact the only time I hear from the guy is to regale me about some ladbible worthy banter that they've pulled off. 

As for bragging, the last time we were out, one guy who was with us got so tired of mateys 'The Hangover' stories that he threatened to thump him if he didn't put a sock in it.

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Holy fuck people. I've seen this enough times. 

He's got a burd and is pretending he is still out on the lash with pals when in fact he's given in to only doing what his new burd wants - no matter what. 

Option ccc- send him a text and ask how long he has been seeing this new burd for. 

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